come, sit beside me and share your life story with me.*

2005-11-13T21:46:00.000+08:00

Bye to all.

This is too sad a place for me to linger any longer. I'm leaving here for a better paradise out there.

2005-10-30T00:34:00.000+08:00

Goodbye!

I had my hair snipped today! It's a new hairstyle and Shuz said that I looked mature in it. Another significance of this haircut is to symbolise a more mature Jia, who is ready for another level of trials and testings.

Goodbye to the old emotional and the lazy bone Jia. I'm embracing Him in this coming O level. I want to see an obedient and prayerful girl rising in me. :D

2005-10-28T13:56:00.000+08:00

Our PE story.

Rhythm of the falling rain.
Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool I've been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again
Now the only girl I've ever loved has gone away
Looking for a brand new start
But little does she know that when she left that day
Along with her she took my heart

Rain, please tell me, now does that seem fair
For her to steal my heart away when she don't care
I can't love another, when my heart's somewhere far away

The only girl I've ever loved has gone away
Looking for a brand new start
But little does she know that when she left that day
Along with her she took my heart

Rain, won't you tell her that I love her so
Please ask the sun to set her heart aglow
Rain in her heart and let the love we know start to grow

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain,
Telling me just what a fool I've been.
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again

Oh listen to the falling rain
Pitter patter pitter patter,
Oh listen, listen to the falling rain
Pitter patter pitter patter,
Oh listen, listen to the falling rain
Pitter patter pitter patter

Towards the year end, most of the Tuesdays were rainy days. I remembered those days because most of us will buy a bowl of hot spicy Laksa, occupy three rows of Canteen tables and start eating, talking and laughing. Here and there, the rain will splash in and we wished that we could walk under the rain. Then some of the girls will start singing this song, wishing that the time will stay by forever.

2005-10-27T22:37:00.000+08:00

Hope within me.

Yea! Finally I found the Science Physics ten years series by SAP at Toa Payoh Popular! This, makes me a very happy and hopeful girl! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Salon hunt with Shepherd just now. I'm gonna cut hair this coming Monday! :D

-spins around-

I am so so happy now!

Bytheway, I bathed three times today.

But meows, thunders now. Don't like!

2005-10-26T20:30:00.000+08:00

It's the time of the month, again.

There's a kind of pain hovering at my abdomen and I'm sad about it. This tells me that I've not exercise for quite some time. ):

12days left and I don't feel stress or anxious for the exams. I don't know if this is good, or bad. Today, I went school and Mdm Lee taught me about Matrix, substituition and a few more. I feel confidence building up in me for Math. After which, I bumped into Cheow and Felix and we had our lunch together. The guys forced me to study with them, and I meant literally forcing me!!! Hahaha.

Then I met a dear someone and sought help for photocopying notes for me. She gladly helped with no complaints! Haiii. I see her with a kind of lonely tear, cos next year is gonna be a different year for her.

Yay! Troubie and Wyn is gonna cut hair with me at end month! (^^) I cannot wait to snip my hair off so that it will not be so messy! XD

Words either hurt or heal a soul. Yet knowing this fact does not equip me to stop hurting her with words I never want to. It's always in the spur of the moment that I inflict pains and hurts, making only myself to be remorseful. No amount of apologies is enough to make up of the past unhappiness. Perhaps all that I can promise is the everlasting unchangeable silent love I have for you. Always and forever, your precious Jia.

2005-10-25T22:06:00.000+08:00

Shopping time soon!

I dislike my hair now, it's so messy that it irks me very much. Don't like! Please post comments of what kind of hairstyle I should cut. Actually, I would much prefer a change in hairstyle. I'll be visiting salon near the end month, so please tag! ^^

Today is Mummy's off day, and I stayed home the entire day to accompany her. This means that I didn't touch any revision the entir day, too. Hoho. Ah, my Mummy is beautiful. Absolute. She's such a simple woman, who doesn't utter a word of complaint when situation in this family is bad. Oh! And I just learnt how to make another dessert from Mummy! :D

Anyway, shopping is ringing at the back of my mind every now and then! Those pictures I posted above are those graphic tee I found at Oldnavy. To date, these are the things I wish to get::

+ Levi's 581 Eve Straight
+ Birkenstock sandles
+ Mickey's bag
+ Above tees!
+ Jumper from Oldnavy
+ Skirts!
+ Pants from POA

Meows! Shopping, shopping, shopping! ^^ (But before that, money needs to exist...)

Sidetrack a little, I think Chen Xiu Huan is very pretty! The one who is starring as Huiyin in the channel 8's 9pm show. Pretty, pretty!

For now, I really ought to study and try refraining myself from being online too much because... it just suck my time out of it.

*HintoBro:: You can splurge on me!!! MUAHAHHA. XD (since your three meals are well taken care by army. HEHEHE.)

2005-10-23T13:48:00.000+08:00

Meows!

-MEOWS a hundred times more!!!- For the past one week, I've been eating like some fat cat. Blehh. But anyway, I'm left with only 15days to O's!!! >.< It sounds a bit scary to me now already.

2005-10-21T21:28:00.000+08:00

Lazy Friday.

Trials and hurts are steppings stone to a stronger being.

Today is a lazy day for Eugene, Roy and myself. We wasn't productive in the revision at all. Sigh, this is bad, considering that their exams starts earlier than mine. =l

Headed down to town around 4pm and the guys had haircut where Shuz and me sat at a corner talking about nutrition and exercise. After which we had our dinner over at Cineleisure, then Shuz left for tuition, Roy left for Nexus and Eugene and myself went to Heeren to get his shoes. Now, both of us own the same model of Converse sneakers! :D

Received a call just now and I was overjoyed! Going to have Math tuition next week!!! XD

2005-10-18T21:58:00.000+08:00

Unspoken.

"My cats lick their wounds when they're injured."

Faithful is the key to all friendships.

Why is it only when your trusted friend has left you then you will treasure the faithful one? I don't understand. Sigh, we're just not loyal enough at times.

I've always thought I'd moved on from those wounds inflicted to me(my heart) in the friendship drama I experienced this year. But tonight, when I talked to someone and reminded of those days, I realised that those wounds are still laid bare there. How hurtful.

And I still do cry over all the cards and messages. I'm too silly to always hope that things will still be like before. I am just a substitute because the other was sucked into another person and is oblivious to the world.

I've always wanted alone outings with you and I did try. But my attempts always fails me. Now, I'm too afraid to try because it risks tears and disappointment.

"Sometimes I think if things can remain like last time, it'll be so good. But I reckon time changes everything.. changes you and me."

2005-10-17T22:03:00.000+08:00

The things we dropped.

Finally, after a long time, I've gotten back my study momentum. Perhaps 21 is really the magical number that generates the "cheong" hormones in me in studies. :D

Today was my second time studying with Eugene, Roy and Shuz. Indeed, I enjoyed studying with them because it was absolute silence and everyone was really studying! Seeing them, I can't bring myself to stop working too. :P During the two times of studying, I knew more about them, and they, too, knew more about me. For the first time, which was last Friday, Roy discovered that I can't take spicy food. And the rest saw my face turning red!!! =x Today, over the lunch table, I laughed at Eugene. Perhaps he really appears funny to me though he didn't do anything. Haha, he was puzzled to why I burst into laughters too. :P

BUT STILL, Roy and Eugene was mean to me today!!! They laughed over the dates of my examination(their's end on the 7th Nov while mine starts on THAT day itself). >.< So Roy said we should have one celebration on 7th, and another on 22nd! Haha.

On the way home today, I saw a man dropped something after he alighted from the bus. And he didn't realise and just went on walking. While I was bathing just now, I thought over the number of faces I have came to know and how many I hold on dearly now. We can't please everyone and we can't own everyone - this, is the truth. Therefore, I'm really thankful to have people in my life who loves me, cares for me, and corrects me.

Perhaps along the way, I've dropped something that seem insignificant to me, and I've yet to know. Maybe, maybe one day I'll find back that thing.

2005-10-16T13:14:00.000+08:00

Endless rain.

The weather is good now - rain but no thunders! Slacking in the hall with Graduation playing out from the speaker, which reminded me of my school days although graduation was just over.

+ Where love and friendships were built within that classroom.
+ For all the Mondays that we came back with sleepy faces, and pulling through the three periods of tedious English. Especially when we are told to do Comprehension! Hahaha.
+ Missing 3/4 of this year's PE with Mr Ang but only attended Ah Nei's.
+ For all the Tuesdays and Thursday that we own the entire canteen because our recess is a period later than other secondary classes. Also, enjoying recess together as a class because we'll occupy one entire rows of table!
+ Tuesdays spicy day for Devotees because 1/2 the class will indulge in the Laksa! :D
+ Singing Above All and Doxology in Chapel on every Wednesday.
+ The six periods of F&N where we ate, ~~gossiped~~, downloading of songs and shouting over the class.
+ Friday being the good and bad day - getting over the three periods of Math is tedious because it is after recess, yet knowing it is Friday made us endured the day through.
+ Topics thrown over the recess table where I learned good and dirty stuffs. Hahaha.
+ Hilarious moments with Mr Lau where he flared up or became cranky.
+ Sitting with my Happy Island mates!

And the list goes on. All these, we can't do it together as a class anymore, though we may still be returning back to school. Ah, memories are precious.

The rain seems endless and forever. As though it has slowed down the tickling of the time, leaving it there forever.

2005-10-12T16:34:00.000+08:00

The final graduation.

I graduated from Presbyterian High School today. I wouldn't use the word "finally" here because I have never looked forward to this day, nor do I really hate this school.

As I walked towards School today, there was an intertwined nervous and excited feeling. I haven't been to school for the past one week, including weekend. And today, I looked forward to see all my classmates simply because today is the last day we'll enter that class together. I was beaming with joy when I saw Kaihui, followed by Lengy.

Some people say that high school is the period that memories are best remembered. I agree. As I sat in the chapel today, viewing all those photos we took in the past five years, I knew that they were the best memories I can ever ask for.

In 2003, we stepped into this class and started out as strangers. Some dislike my clique, some were afraid. Back then, we deal with problems more than studies. What we looked forward most was teacher using lesson time to deal with classmates who got themselves into trouble, and we witnessed a number of caning cases. Those, seem normal to us because we grew to be used to it. Then it came a point that our class got splitted up because it was beyond control. We were looked down upon and condemned. The biggest trouble we gave the school was the time when our classroom's ceiling collapsed - we hid books within the ceilings. At the end of that year, a handful of my classmates got kicked out. It was a hard lesson that we had to learn.

In 2004, we joined back the class as one. One event that I'll still remember would be the Racial Harmony - where the guys spent 3 days building the Effiel Tower and not forgetting Wen Cong's one and only French song. Despite those eyes casted upon us for our inability in producing good results, we braved through the N levels. 10 was the estimated figure that the class will survive but we proved them wrong - we returned back with 74% passing rate.

This year, our class shrunk to 23 people. It was a small class yet the level of volume never change. We became more united and we understood each other better. Through all the school events, we bonded even more. We have had our good and bad times, yet they were stepping stones that brought us all to another level of understanding.

To me, each individual's personality and character has taught me Life in their own way. Their life stories had touched me even more, which grew me in accepting them, loving and care for them. Various teachers taught me what Life is all about an I sincerely thank them. In times when I was walking the valley of darkness, they showed me the light with the hope and faith they have in me. My classmates; their laughters cheered me on when my day seemed blue.

Devotees, the final lap is here! Let us hold on to each other even in the midst of working hard! (:

2005-10-09T21:59:00.000+08:00

Joining in the chorus.

Today shall be the last night I should be seen online for so long. 9pm show had ended and I shall use that time to do more revision. 29days more to O's and 44days more to FREEDOM! To date, these are what I've planned to do after examinations, and during the break I'll get.

-Meeting up with Shuping!!!
-Shopping at Malaysia.
-Visiting gym and swimming pools.
-Meeting up with my friends!
-Learning how to cook a more decent meals.
-Enjoying my life!

I'm migrating to the land of Muggers from tomorrow onwards. If you need to find me, please call my hp! Yes yes, WHOLE DAY INCOMING FREE!!! :D

...chasing after the ideal future.

2005-10-08T00:29:00.000+08:00

The released cat.

~~Today~~ Yesterday was a good day for me. While waiting for Ron at Bishan station, I received Miss Tan's sms. That sms relieved my stress - no longer will I be afraid of being barred from O level examination or be chased after for MCs because of my absent from school! :D

We went to EsTeler77 to have our lunch, which I only ate 1/4 of the bowl of Chicken Noodle, and then we went for the TheBodyShop Warehouse sale. Didn't get anything 'cos there were no sales on the shower gel. Spent the afternoon studying at TCC before we headed off for shopping again. Haha. But! I completed two chapters of revision for my Social Studies already! :D

Reagan came down after his work and met us at Suntec, then we met Shufen, and off we went to Sakae for dinner! I have been locked at home for too long a time, as though I have lost contact with the world outside. But anyway, dinner was good - talked, laughed and eat!!! I ~~swear~~ I ate my heart out today - I was really really happy! Talked to Reagan while we walked back to station with all those funny incidents I heard about him.

After tonight's dinner, I'm even more convicted about exercising MORE after my O levels. I better start exercising again before I expand too much. Oh yes, be sure to know that I'm locking myself for the next 30 days, just to mug and mug and mug. I want to claim all the rewards I am promised with when I get into the course I want. :D

2005-10-06T22:22:00.000+08:00

Calcuation.

I think I should stop being so impulsive, so negative and so whiny and start being the choleric and positive Jia.

Hardwork for 50days and I'll be rewarded with 90days of freedom before facing the Happy day of getting back results that will direct me to another level in my life. Then, I'll get another 80days of freedom before Tertiary education start for me. Yes, I shall start embracing life all over again with a positive spirit!

Everything's within control because God is with me. :D

All in all, I'm looking forward to the many things I'll get to do after O levels.

Tomorrow is an eat, digest and absorb day for me and Sister. :D

2005-10-05T22:07:00.000+08:00

So what is this?

Just because I'm a student of 5Compassion, my say does not count.

And for once, I'm hating the arrangement my school have for me, period.

2005-10-04T21:57:00.000+08:00

Make them count.

34days left.

English, Mathematics, Physics, Biology, Food and Nutrition, Social Studies and Geography.

I'm going to conquer them one by one and trample them on my feet.

I do not know what will my end result be, but I will give my best because God will honour me.

2005-10-02T10:32:00.000+08:00

In a calloused heart.

"Afraid to like; afraid to love; afraid to give; afraid of anything that will leave the heart to be hurt. Heart; a place precious to all. Yet so fragile and delicate.

Broken once, broken twice. The broken parts are so mixed up it is difficult to differentiate those parts that are numbed or still lying there, unattended.

If Love is all we want, perhaps Love is all we need. And if Love is all we need, it may be the only glue that can piece broken pieces together."

Unknown.

2005-09-30T11:08:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's feelings.

I came to realize that there are certain kinds of sunshine I cannot adapt to. Like now. It just make my head aches more than ever. Or perhaps I should be under the sun more after so that I can be Sun's friend again. :D

Yesterday was an easy day to get past in school. 6 periods of F&N, 2 periods of Mother Tongue and 2 periods of Character First. Again, I felt very disappointed upon seeing my English Paper One result. I failed, but they told me I pass. That's the problem with it - I never like results told to me unless I see it myself, we are all prone to see things wrongly. But no, I'm not blaming anyone. Just own preference. (:

Ah! So I need to re-plan my study schedule because I just learned about next week's block studies they had planned for us. Made a decision of attending school everyday, for next week. Gonna seize every opportunity to study on my own. Talked to Celine yesterday, and I felt a bit not enough time now. /=

Lunch-ed with Kaihui at Pasta Mania. She was rather down and it was one of the few times we lunch alone together. Initial stage of making her smile was difficult, but she managed to laugh after that. (x Bumped into Pinky, Clare and Don. Ha! My class guys are getting more and more united as the days past. A good thing of course.

Oh! I dreamt last night - in it I saw Ron, Roy, Puay and myself. It's a funny dream. Haha.

I'm leaving yesterday's feelings there and moving forward. An official BYE to PRELIMINARY EXAMINATION!

Yea! Brother and Shepherd coming over. Whipping up a meal for them. :D

2005-09-28T23:40:00.000+08:00

A queer day.

Today is Wednesday. Revision went well for both Math and Biology. Hopefully I'll get the hang of Probability after I complete the entire topic in the ten years series. Elaine's sms came in at 9.34am, telling me my English result. It's an E8(!!!) and I feel sad after learning about other's results. I thought Prelims results will mean nothing to me, but I thought wrong.

Talked to Brother just now, and we cleared out what happened on Monday. So we were both feeling pissed, but not with each other. So much of me thinking he's going to lecture me. He said he'll never scold me unless I tell a lie to anyone or if I really do something wrong. So I rant about one of my classmates who scored A2 for Math, a grade I can only see on the result slip of others but not on mine. So he said he'll tuition me more(I think) and ask me to be happy, looking forward to that grade too. But at 10pm, after I got back to the phone, the line was engaged. It just suddenly went missing.

I questioned about Life while talking to someone just now. And God reminded me of Himself. Everyone's life is different - the paths we walk and we take are different, and to each different destiny we will reach. It's easy to console others and to advice on looking at the bright side of life, but do we really practice that on ourselves? I guess there's always a part of us that doesn't practice what we preach. Identifying - do I really identify with them or do I just speak for that moment's sake? I pray hard that I really mean what I say.

If Life for you(anyone) is bad now, stand up and move on. Don't dwell in there for too long, it'll eat you up inside. Because the Sun doesn't stop rising itself, the Birds doesn't stop chirping and the Time doesn't stop tickling for your sake, just because you're going through rough patch now. Be your life's own hero - conquer the problems!

One side of my earrings went missing.

My hair needs a trim.

I need to settle my own mixed feelings.

Somehow, I felt as if I was left unconscious today. There is one part in my mind that I felt had went missing. Have my soul went off to somewhere just now, that I didn't realise?

2005-09-27T13:06:00.000+08:00

Brighten than sunshine.

This afternoon's sunshine is rather good, with gentle breeze accompanying. (: Staying home for the day and tomorrow to study(today is TUESDAY!) and I'm going to practice Math and start following my intensive revision in the evening. I pray that all things go well. I'll be missing school here and there to do my own revision at home, ignoring the consequences because if I were to continue abiding the rules placed over me, I'll not get the best out of it for my studies.

I visited Cold Storage just now and got myself Nescafe Classics because I cannot stand the smell of Indocafe with Ginseng that my parents drink, it's horrible I tell you! I've only drank certain brands of coffee before, and I still prefer Nescafe. Perhaps because the packaging is nice and it smells nice, superficial! And I'm gonna try different flavors of chicken essence! There are flavours like cordyceps, tangkwei, american ginseng and lingzi though I don't know if they really help. Haha.

My new found friends will be Nescafe, Chicken Essence, Vitamins, Myojo noodles and plain water because most of the time I'll be too lazy to go out and get food. I'll chose to wait for my parents to come home which is like in the evening? Perhaps you can be a good friend and deliver food to my doorsteps! :D

2005-09-26T19:56:00.000+08:00

I'll still love You.

One day, which I hope soon, I will share about how I overcame the fluctuations of emotions during strawberry season.

Perhaps I'll take up horse riding lesson when I'm older, it is really fun to sit up there and to talk to the horse while you're riding on him/her. Ever since I took home my cats, my heart goes out to animals. Except for some, like SNAKES. I rode on Rocket today, a horse which is 30years old now. As I was riding, I was drawn to the simplicity of the surrounding - green pasture with horses grazing the grass. And it dawn upon me that I may like to live in a farm next time, leading a simple life, feeding animals everyday.

I have a lot to rant about Malaysia, but I've decided to conclude it by giving thanks to God. I am thankful that I live in Singapore - with fresh air, water flowing out of tap properly, strict traffic rules that keep us safe and things that function properly. I am also very thankful that I returned back safe and sound - no injuries from horse riding or any lost like being robbed or knocked down by car. Anyway, I believe the only thing I did today that I really enjoyed was the time spent at arcade. Kaihui, Lengy and I played a machine that left our hands to be painful after all the hitting. I feel so safe to play because the guys were behind us, watching, laughing and helping us to change MORE tokens(!!!). And I enjoyed the two rounds of racing cars with them.

While waiting for bus back to Singapore at the custom, I called Brother. Somethings he said evoked my emotions and I replied rudely. Now, I regret the tone and the way I felt at that time. RAHH. Woe is to me who allowed emotions to take over me. ): What's more, he is worried about me now. I'll apologize to him later when I settle down.

As I was walking home, I realized that stress has also creeped into me. In the midst of battling with emotions, I am learning to rely and trust in God and myself for studies and to balance my life. I was blasting Sun Yan Zi's songs while I was bathing, and I switched it to worship songs after I came out. I've decided to emo with worship songs than secular songs. I don't want to relate my feelings with the world outside, but I want to learn lifting my emotions to Him and praise Him evermore.

Still, I would say that Life is beautiful. One unhappy day, incident or a person shall never justify that life is worst, for anybody. While shopping today, I thought of someone which I had wanted to spend more time talking to. I felt guilty for leaving her shopped with the others. Different people produces a different result, enjoyment/memories in this case, if you understand.

I hope someone will bring me to the Moon and lend me shoulder to cry on when I'm emotional, then speak biblical sense after my cries. I've yet to be independent totally.

After being emotional for almost the entire day, I still love Jesus.

2005-09-25T22:06:00.000+08:00

When it's all been said and done.

This is the third time I'm editing this entry. >.<

Tomorrow's outing to Malaysia. Everyone's very hyped up for the event and is happily chatting about it. Caught in a delimma actually. But now, no more. I see the value in going. I love my lovely friends; they brighten up my night with their excitement and their voices. Oh, not forgetting Genia. (:

Huixin is excited about buying comics. And she hope it won't be in Malay words.
Clarence hope to see some X-Japan stuffs.
Genia, Kaihui and Reina is hoping for a good shop.
As for me, I'm gonna be the aunty of the day. Just want to get the most out of it from my fortyfour ringgits. No worries, I bringing Sing dollars too. (;

Yes, I shall enjoy my tomorrow. Because intensive starts on Tuesday.

2005-09-25T09:50:00.000+08:00

Brighter than the star, He is.

Backstaging yesterday was fun. Felt refreshed in memory for all the set ups and volume adjustment. Roy looked cool on his shirt too! :D Perhaps a dragon for him next time. Haha. I'm looking forward to the next four backstagings.

I want to hear Him more; in my dreams, when I am outside, when I'm in times of weariness, when I'm serving Him. I want to stop the routine attitude and start looking to Him as I serve each time.

Morning worship refreshed me that we shouldn't be easily complacent with the things we're doing. In times that my well is dry, He is silently standing beside me. Sometimes doing the same thing got me a little distracted and made me feel routine and this is what I want to grow in - that each time as I serve Him, I want to serve Him with a fresh new heart - not holding past mistakes or achivements and stay there - I want to escalate and discover Him more and more. With my hands, I want to mix out the best sound with the Holy Spirit and not by Man's standard.

CLm's worship reminded that it's a privilege to serve Him, it really is. Out of so many people, I'm called to be in this ministry where I can take care of His flock, in this ministry that I am able to bless others with my hands. As much as there were times I am in lack of self-confidence, God is never wrong.

I want to read His Words like how little children believe in every promise made to them - I want my relationship with Him to have another level of breakthrough. When season seems busy for me, it shall be His Love that I will be sustained through.

I'm in awe of God, totally. Sometimes when I question my purpose on Earth, I looked at the areas I'm serving now. And I can only say that my life is intricately weave by this Maker of mine who never go wrong.

1 O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory
above the heavens.
2 From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.
3 When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
5 You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.
6 You made him ruler over the works of your hands;
you put everything under his feet:
7 all flocks and herds,
and the beasts of the field,
8 the birds of the air,
and the fish of the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.
9 O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Talked to Brother yesterday. Shared to him one of the recent experience, which I thought I did but did not, and had made him worried. He threw me quite a few questions that got me into thinking and I asked him for some advice. He's really a good brother of mine who takes care of me in his own ways. Blessed am I, the girl whose life is so well taken care of! :D

2005-09-23T14:28:00.000+08:00

Killer timetable!

I just finished doing my revision schedule and it make me want to scream all the more. Every subjects revision can be completed on time as long as I follow closely. BUT! MATH(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) revision is the one that's giving me headache. Ah, miracles, miracles, miracles. I NEED.

Oh, I'm anticipating to the piece of good news Brother's has for me later, during music practice! :D

2005-09-23T11:14:00.000+08:00

Life when I'm left at home.

I've been staying home very frequent this week, or perhaps during this exam period. I return home almost immediately after each paper - not so much on revision, but to catch up with sleep. Recently, the weather is so unpredictable. It can be all so sunny now but rain cats and dogs later. I enjoy rainy days but I'm very much afraid of the thunders and lightnings that comes with it. I remembered being left stunned in the bed on Wednesday afternoon and all that I could do was to self-comfort.

Yesterday night, I received a sms from a friend of mine telling me of how she's feeling and I feel her situation in me. Towards her, I totally salute the ability of keeping herself strong in the midst of exams and how she battle at home daily. Sometimes, I couldn't help but question God why. But I know everything happens for a purpose. I wish that I had the ability to be like those heros that appears in every show - to rescue her and to give her the dream life she wants, yet, I myself, is very much limited with the ability and courage to do so. In short, it is wrong of my thinking in my part.

This morning, I woke up with a nightmare that its images seems so real, so scary. I've been having weird dreams lately, and they all surrounds my life - school, friends and shows that I watch.

Finally, after so long a time, I chatted with Shuping today! Yes, she brightens up my day and left me to express out how much I missed her. I talk to the whole world except her; I see the whole world on Saturdays but see her only from afar. I miss time spent with her, but we've promised hanging out after my final exam! :D A short extract of our conversation::

*Part 1
jia* a life of worship I want to exude. [45] says:
i talk to the whole world except you!
.jia* a life of worship I want to exude. [45] says:
i see the whole world on sat but see you from afar only
.jia* a life of worship I want to exude. [45] says:
can you see how sad i am?
.jia* a life of worship I want to exude. [45] says:
hahah
unreal says:
hahaha...you're so funny
unreal says:
yeah..working life really sucks big time...makes you really veri shag man
.jia* a life of worship I want to exude. [45] says:
hahah
.jia* a life of worship I want to exude. [45] says:
after so long a time, i still read you saying me funny!
.jia* a life of worship I want to exude. [45] says:
okay, i shall be your funny girl for life then!
unreal says:
hehe...
unreal says:
miss talking to you alot
.jia* a life of worship I want to exude. [45] says:
heheheh

*Part 2
.jia* a life of worship I want to exude. [45] says:
nvm! youre on duty this week! im on duty this week!
unreal says:
haha..that's all matters rite?

HEHEHE. Adding on will be tonight having dinner with Puay - buying two packets of XXL Chicken, to satisfy my craving AGAIN, and we'll just find somewhere, sit down and munch! Simple life like this make me enjoy. (x

Talking to Shepherd this morning gave me food for thought. Though she did not share so much of her life during O level, I know how worried she is for my coming examination. And I was being defensive, I would say, from the replies I gave her. Ah, WHY! So I shall heed her advice and off am I to study NOW! :D ...ilovemyshepherd!

2005-09-22T22:09:00.000+08:00

Take a peak into my life.

This is an entry I have promised Shuping to post two months ago, when I got my new bed. I hope she gets to read this despite of her tiredness she gets from work. So, enjoy a peak into my room - to both Shuping and my readers! :D

[Before]
#1

#2

#1 This is taken from the view when you turn left from my room door.
#2 This is the corner where my school bag is placed, F&N books and files, 17th birthday wishes and presents, and my purchase at Ikea before transformation.

[After]
#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

#6

#7

#8

#9

#10

#1 This is my dream bedroom - where I can enjoy the privilege of climbing up and down. I totally enjoy the time I spent sleeping up there, being tugged under the comforter. It has also become a place I enjoy spending time with my Lord, every night. Below, hangs the most unique birthday wish I received this year - a tee shirt - from a good friend of mine. (: ...can you spot my white cat?

#2 This is the main reason to why I have gotten myself a bunk bed - to have an area to relax. This is the comfy area I have set aside within this room of mine. It shall be decorated with more cartoon cushions so that I may do my reading there or catch up with my friends when they vist me or for a stayover. Currently lies a pink and blue cushion, which was given to me by Angeline, Kaihui and Lengy during my 16th birthday.

#3 This is my wardrobe - simple and nice.

1. This is my lingeries.
2. This is where my swimming costume, goggle and unopen facial foams are kept.
3. This is where my toileteries and opened tissue packets are kept.
4. This is where my unopen tissue packets are kept.
5. These are my extra laundry covers.
6. This is my only pair of heels from Charles & Keith, which I love a lot.
7. This is where my niece keeps her bedroom slipper. But now, it is missing.
8. These are my home tee shirts and short are kept.
9. This is where my PE attire and shorts are kept.
10. These are my pyjamas are kept, but I seldom wear them now.
11. These are my berms and shorts, which I happen to only wear the black ones.
12. This is where I hang my uniforms, tops, skirts and jackets. Of which, I have one skirt and two jackets that belongs to Puay! Hehe.
13. This is where I keep my shoes and slippers.

#4 This is my book shelve. Slim and steady.

1. On the left place a small drawer where only a few stationeries are kept inside, center owned by the box of neoprints and on the right stands a few Christian Literature.
2. This is where my textbooks, notebooks and ten year series are being kept.
3. I have my year books placed on the left hand side, a box of postcards and an orange-red box where my 15th birthday presents are kept in on the center and my box of chargers(both camera and iPod) on the right side.

#5 This is my study table, with my daily essentials being placed within reach.

#6 This is my four shelve pine wood where small boxes are kept.

1. This is the Altec Lencsing speakers that my Dad has bought for my iPod.
2. This is where my apparel accessories, hair accessories and nail polish & removal are kept.
3. I keep my 17th birthday cards in the Bloomington bag, which is below the Monopoly.
4. On the left is a black basket that consists of the discs I own and on the right are a box of pouches I have.
5. This is a drawer that consists the last few items I still keep from my Primary school days.

#7 This is the side book shelve I have that keeps my files.

#8 This is the wall beside my bed; on it hangs two boards - the top consists of selected photos from Life in the Kingdom and the bottom one are photos selected randomly but mostly taken with Hope people.

#9 This is the wall above my study table. On the left is the noticeboard and the right is another board of random pictues but mostly taken with my buddies and besties in Hope. Above the noticeboard is my wall lamp, which is spoilt for quite sometime. It is unique in such a way that it can shine out four different colors and it comes with a story that is coincidentally related to my present two cats.

#10 This is the table that joins the room when final examinations are near. It aids me in having more books to be within reach, which make revision much efficient.

[My two treasured friends]

Above, are my two beloved cats that have been me for the past seven years, ever sicne I was Primary Four. Before I keep them, I was very afraid of animals. Since 2000, after my sister got married, they have become my companion when nobody is at home.

My black cat is a living alarm to my parents. She meows non-stop in her cage every morning, ensuring that both my parents are awake for work and she will faithfully meow in front of my room door, to wake me up, before she is kept back in cage. Recently, my white cat has make our chore of keeping her back in cage when we leave for work and school or before we sleep easier. She has learned to listen to our commands! :D

Both of them have made my family life happier with the silly actions they display at times. Like now, my white cat is running up and down non-stop because she wants to be out. Oh, and my black cat knows how to open her cage door! Haha.

Now, they have become part of my life - there are times I'm home alone and I play, and talk to them. Also, I greet hi and bye to them and sometimes, I would tell my black cat of the time I'll return home when she meows non-stop before I leave the house.

Yes, I love them a lot, a lot. (:

2005-09-21T22:05:00.000+08:00

Self-discovery.

My new layouts are often done up when major examinations are drawing near or when I am home for too many days, bored, yet am inspired to do up a new one. :D

Today's Geography left me with some hope. I realized that Humanities are subjects that I spent least time on studying yet they are the subjects that I can score in. They don't belong to the boring subjects, but I am very reluctant in staying back for extra lessons. Tomorrow is a day rest at home and to get my revision schedule done up. The day after is Career Seminar, which I hope it will not turn out to be boring.

Talking to Hammie Ruiz this morning reminded me of how real God is in my life. Time and time again, when the people around me fail to believe in me, because of the results I produce, God never. He was always there for me to turn to and for me to seek solace in when I needed someone to Trust and Hope in me. At this juncture that I am in now, I must proclaim that God was and is faithful. All the results I achieved in my national examinations should be credited to Him, and not me. (:

Right, this is it. I want to be bitter no more, jealous no more, and be critical no more. I've tolerated enough of my flaws and all I want now is to let Him do transformation in me. I want to love people more; I want to grow in the area of giving benefit of doubt to people - not just hearing comments that I never witness it myself.

I'm on duty this week - many of my khakis are on duty too! XD And I've decided to move to backstage for awhile. A hiatus from Front of House I guess. (;

2005-09-20T13:41:00.000+08:00

Will you still remember me after we leave?

Sometimes, I wonder does my maturity matches my age. My deepest desire now is to become a person that honours word and just follow what God has planned for me without worrying other things like family, friends, finance and whatnot.

Today's morning was good; I woke up and bought two sets of breakfast, and off I went to school to hand in work that I can actually hand up tomorrow. I will definitely miss walking in the entrance and be greeted with beautiful smiles everyday in school. In two months time, I will bid farewell to my school! ):

The second, minute, hour, day, year, decade and century that just past will never return back. I will never get to mend those broken hearts I have hurt so badly; I will never get to turn the time back and take back all those nasty comments I have said without thinking; I will never get to get my unfulfilled dreams, fulfilled.

My surrounding changes from time to time; my friends change, my teacher change, my family situation change and for myself, I change, too. Some of my friends I used to be closed with, seems like a stranger to me now. For times that we bumped into each other, our smiles are so awkward. For those that I am still in contact with, may it be often or not, they change. For both better and worst.

As for myself, I changed too. Though there were times I hoped I haven't changed worst in the areas that I used to be kinder in, I guess these are parts and parcel of life. Perhaps one day I'll be convicted to say that getting married does not justify the perfection to my life. Because I know I treasure friendships more than anything.

In the life I lead right now, I have many girlfriends whom I treasure, and I know that they will stand by myself when my world is dark and lonely, and when I rejoices. However, in the midst of building these friendships, I have battled with insecurity towards a few and I have hurt a few. Yet, without all this experiences, I wouldn't have know how to love, care and treasure them more than ever.

I believe in platonic friendships with guys, yet I know how difficult it exists in this generation we're living in right now. Nevertheless, I thank God for the few guy friends I have. They make me feel loved and has definitely taught me how to relate with the opposite gender - being sensitive in speeches and in actions. Haha, being the very me, there are times I just want to hang my hands over their shoulder and play with them like a guy, yet I know it's not wise to do so.

Because human changes from time to time, I wonder - if one day I am the one that has changed, will they still stand there, await my return back or will I find none in the path we have walked so long? Same for me, will I stand there and continue to hope in them or will I forget them and move on?

I miss someone, I really do. But I know I need to put a stop to it and move on. (:

2005-09-19T22:04:00.000+08:00

A short while of daydream.

I declare Preliminary Examination is over, though it has not, if you get what I mean. The rest of this week shall be rest days for me, no input of stress or whatsoever. So, please censor your speech with me if you are anywhere near mentioning P-R-E-L-I-M-S, this word.

Today, on my journey home, this word "failure" got me into thinking. Sigh, and again, I failed in honouring my words of being salt and light by improving in this Preliminary Examination, considering that it's the last school examination I'll ever take. It's either in my anxiety I want to do well that has gotten me sick, or my body has actually deteriorate THIS much. Anyway, I have planned out out my intensive revision today, after the left over time during Math, which shouldn't be the case. Hehe. The plan should take place next Tuesday, and should helped me accomplished all the revision needed for O level right up till 6th November. :D Ah, sometimes I just need to be hard on myself and imposed some hard-to-achieve rules. It will do me good, anyway.

Another discovery I found out about myself today was that I am mesmerized by army guys who are skinny or good build in their uniform! They look absolutely smart! Yes, I saw Minghui, my Primary School senior on my way home in the train today. Goshhhhh. I just can't help but stare at him from the back after we alighted at Yishun. Ah, not to forget that my Brother looked totally smart in both his uniform! :D This made me want to join Navy so much more! The uniform is so nice and I think the job is challenging. ...ooh...ahh...woah!!!

A dreamer's dream never die, yet I don't want to be just that dreamer who's dream never come true - I want to work towards it! I want to get into Consumer Food Science Course in Temasek Polytechnic! Yet I know it seems like an impossible task to many because of the lousy theory marks I'm scoring now, but it's okay. I will work hard! :D Haha, a silly reason to why I cancel out the idea of aiming for JC is because I don't want to wear uniform anymore. I want to wear pretty clothes everyday and look good, not forgetting creating more shopping opportunities for myself! XD

Now that I mentioned shopping! Today, after lunch with Kaihui, Clarence and Don, we walked around Junction 8 and we gave Seiyu a visit! Both Kaihui and myself were very hyped up when we were at the babies section - they have so many nice clothes and things for the babies, when they hardly can even remember, I supposed. But anyway, those stuffs made Kaihui want to be a Mother soon, and it made me want to shop for many more stuffs when I get married and get pregnant next time! (; ...pretty pretty stuffs!

365days, or even more, to the next time I will get to see a beautiful moon, if I ever get the chance. Sigh, I missed last night's one; my camera wasn't with me. Oh! My white cat knows how to listen to my Dad's command to her returning home(her own cage), in English! Such clever cat I've got.

Today, my thoughts are so random - they come and go without leaving its trail. Yet it is this kind of days do I enjoy life; at least I ponder, I question and I get answer or directions. If not, my life will not find its purpose nor get new insights.

2005-09-18T20:05:00.000+08:00

I finally understood Vectors. Thank you so much, so much, Brother. (:

2005-09-18T11:05:00.000+08:00

To be noted.

Things I should stop doing::

-Stop being lazy! ...start working hard.

-Stop giving stress to myself! ...trust in the Lord.

-Stop idling in front of the computer for times I put "away". ...stop online!

-Stop sleeping so much. ...use it for revision.

-Start spending quiet time properly. ...quality time!

Things I should start doing::

-Take my vitamin tablets promptly!

-Take regular and nutritious meals.

-Take my chicken essence.

-Drink more water!

50 days. God, I know You'll bring me through and through... :D

2005-09-17T09:20:00.000+08:00

As the number decreases.

Counting down depressess me much.

Especially when I have yet to see myself lifting up a pen.

2005-09-14T19:16:00.000+08:00

My beginning;

my forever.

Lord,

I feel so surreal towards my surrounding; I feel as though what I am experiencing in reality were in dreams, and what I dreamt were in reality. Those bad dreams have left me to cry and to cringe on my bed.

I want to brave through this period with You, my Sovereign Lord. Simply because the strength I possess now, I can never see myself till the end point. So, Lord, help me to know that with every ounce of Strength that is coming out from me, comes from You. Help me recognize that.

I want You to be the keeper of my mental state - that I will be strong and allow You to carry me through. O Prince of Peace, grant me the Peace that my heart needs and let it not flutter. Shine in me, Lord, that the people around will know it is not by my strength did I manage everything, but You.

Amen.

2005-09-11T14:36:00.000+08:00

A life that no one knows.

Yesterday night was the most miserable night I can ever imagine. And I bet no one knows how painful it was, unless you were there. Oh wells, sometimes I wonder who actually bothers. >.<

2005-09-09T17:02:00.000+08:00

If I could.

I pray that as I go through each and every day; as I grow older each year; as I go through different situations that I will gain experiences, I am able to simply live for You, God.

2005-09-09T01:41:00.000+08:00

With all I am.

Metamorphosis is over. In my honest comment, I don't really feel that much about this event being over. Perhaps the stress and the tension was during the moment when the acoustic guitar gave me and Amelia problem. All in all, it was good, according to Shuz. (:

While talking to Ruiz just now, it crossed my mind that not having a mentor around seems like a good idea; you'll learn to solve the problems you encounter and you can discover your strength and weaknesses. She reminded me of an incident that happened during The Ultimate Dare Camp.

God was faithful to both Amelia and myself. We actually set our goal of standing alone, one at Front of House and one at the backstage, by end of September. But God pushed forward to this Metamorphosis. Also, I am very thankful to God for having such a sweet spirited sister, Amelia, for me to work with. Though at times I may get bad spirited, she continues to show me her sunshine smile and, to teach me in areas I am unsure of.

Was out with both Crystal and Bella after everything ended. (: Decision always lies at the split seconds to both worlds. But I'm glad I chose the right one. :D While walking home from Bella's block, it occured to me that I ought to be very thankful for having the opportuinity to go through Youth, though it can be tough, and to have the unlimited freedom any teenager would want to have.

How many times of Youth can I ever get by? Therefore, I am very happy that I'm single and I do not share the almost same mentality with the other peers that having a relationship is all that is to life., to be specific. As much as I feel _____(fill in yourself, I don't know how to describe) towards a certain thing, I came to understand the best solution. That is to let go and to let God; only He can provide me with what I don't have and can't have it. I want to be the person that walks the narrow path - the path to Life where only a few can ever find it.

2005-09-08T01:11:00.000+08:00

Leaving behind a mellowed sorrow.

Today is not a very significant day, but I somehow remember it when I talked to Shufen this morning. One year back, I had my N level Social studies paper, I visited Escape with her followed by dropping by Ron's house to collect my butterfly pencil case and lastly, something which I will not mention.

Today, I want to let His Love drown me; I want to give Him my heart before I lose it all. It's how funny I'd allowed a person whom I'm never close with to fill a part in my heart. Lord, would You please come and take that part and anchor Yourself there deeply.

Curiousity kills a cat. Yes, it killed me today. >.<

2005-09-06T08:39:00.000+08:00

8am.

While taking to Shuz yesterday, I realized that I'll be at Nexus for the next five days, counting today. This holiday will be the most fruitful I supposed, because everyday I'll be waking up at 8am just to do my revision before leaving home for school, which is today only, or for rehearsals. And on Thursday, I'll be spending the entire day at Nexus for Metamophosis! :D I see discipline taking its toll in me because I've completed nine chapters of revision yesterday! -CLAPS!- XD

Ge li gen gen, let's jia you! :D

2005-09-05T15:34:00.000+08:00

What values do we still hold?

Living in this fast pace society, I cannot help but to be curious about the values and principles we still hold on today. Is it the same as to what we hold since young? Is it the same as to what we were taught through experiences? Or we have compromised it all?

This world is so grey, there's no clear line drawn for every situations. Many a times we talk about the Bible being the Truth, but how many times or how often do we really abide fully? Don't we all still allow our OWN principles and values rule us, at the back of our mind?

Sometimes we hide ourselves so well behind the mask we have created - just to present ourselves righteous before people. And I thought again, isn't it tiring? Or have we all become numbed to the mask we put up?

Sigh. Humanity is so complicated at times. We allow one incident to stereotype the other party and we hold on that for as long as we want, never giving them a chance to change our mindset and explain themselves. Our way of perceiving things conforms out thinking so fast that a wall is built up.

If only we learn to believe that people change, people grow and if only we learn to trust.

2005-09-04T12:10:00.000+08:00

She, is my beloved granny. XD

I was never this close to her until this year's June camp for HS/JC. We ventured into another level of this relationship we share when I discovered that we're both related as grandshepherd and grandsheep! :D This morning, she made me go crazy when she told me that she's bringing me out after my Preliminary Examination! And she made me felt so loved when she told me that she just wanna dote on me~!! -jumps around- I totally delight in people bringing me out even though I'm a seventeen years old girl. :p

How blessed, how blessed am I to deserve the love and care from so many people.

...and before the year closes itself, I will sit by the river and pen down how good God has been to me. I will marvel over the wonders and amazements God has showed me, and how He has made every of my prayers came to past.

2005-09-03T07:55:00.000+08:00

The unexplainable of humanity..

Celebration for Clarence's birthday at Pizza Hut@PS.

Yesterday, I had the most fun out of the last three months I could ever ask for. Though Preliminary Examination has started, it did not stop this bunch of kiddos from playing. :D

It's how amazing I am given the ability to befriend and clique with the people I have around me. With the different personalities, different backgrounds and different values I have with them, it's how funny these friendships are forged so strongly. And it always keeps me in awe of each and every friendship I have made. Indeed, my life is created in such a way that the most comforting thing I can ever provide, is to be a good friend. Or at least, someone you can lean on in your tough times.

Yesterday's celebration was kinda impromptu. We only planned for the dining part at Pizza Hut and everything else just fall into its place. Some parted for home and met friends while the rest of us proceeded to Heeren. I will never forget what happened outside Parliament house, it was memorable. We had a helluva fun time taking photos in the new machine. :D Oh yes, it is definitely nice to have Pinky around. (:

Then I remember standing outside Ngee Ann City and try flagging for cab for almost half an hour. We called three times to book a cab, all just to go Jalan Kayu to have roti prata. I have never tried wearing uniform, walking and running across the road so crazily before. Life and death were so near then. The food was secondary to me, but the time spent together was priceless. How many times can we actually do this? (:

Clarence's words still rings in my mind "I just want to enjoy my youth now and not regret in my life", he speaks of my innest desire to let loose my everything and enjoy. But I am constantly held back by responsibilities. Clare, I hope you did enjoy your birthday, your moment of treasure. (:

2005-09-01T08:39:00.000+08:00

A life of mystries waiting to unfold itself.

Horse, Reindeer and Bee.
The Zoo of Devotees itself. :D

Both Miss Tan(above) and Miss Lim(below)

have impacted my life as an educator, as a friend.

A lovely photo taken with Genia and Long!* XD

My ten fellow F&N warriors;
Genia's beloved ten.

The final year we'll be standing on this ground
with Miss Tan. (:

Brothers of the class 2005! :D

Fine young chaps.

With my cutie lengy!*

Lunch @ Crystal Jade.

I'm proud and convicted to say that I want to be a F&N teacher five years down the road. It is no longer the incentives of the course that attracts me, it's the job in fulfiling myself as an educator that draws me into that field; to impact and impart.

How many chances in my life will I be blessed to have known this group of people featured in the above photos? Thank you, dudes! :D

2005-08-29T21:29:00.000+08:00

Let Your Blood flow in me,

enabling me to carry on strong.

When I'm crushed, like the petals of a flower, I want to exude a worship, the fragrance of which is so beautiful and rare that angels weep in quiet awe at my surrender. All because my purpose to my existence is to worship Him with all that I have.

2005-08-28T02:30:00.000+08:00

My ministry.

The backstage crew.

From right to left::

Sihan, Royston, Jia Shen, Zi Hui, Jiayi,

Shufen, Puay Lin, Amelia and, Hannah.

Finally, we have a photo taken together! :D

2005-08-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

Beware of the stronghold

of cold love.

Is your love growing and becoming softer, brighter, more daring, and more visible? A measurable decrease in your ability to love is evidence that a stronghold of cold love is developing within you.

Bitterness is characterized by a noticeable lack of love. In our generation, cold love is becoming increasingly more coomon. It shuts down the power of us praying and disables the flow of healing and outreach. Living in a world of increasing harshness and cruelty, it is inevitable that people will not be hurt at times. But if you fail to react with love and forgiveness; if you retain in your spirit the debt the offender owes you, that offense will rob your heart of its capacity to love.

And if every time you refuse to forgive or fail to overlook a weakness in another, your heart not only hardens toward them, it hardens toward God. We, human, cannot form a negative opinion of someone (even though they may deserve it!) and allow that opinion to crystalize into an attitude.

Love is committment. We cannot say we love someone when we don't commit. Because in love, time is needed to invest. Therefore, we each need people who are committed to us as individuals; people who know we are not perfect but love us anyway. This, is something that cannot be bought with money, but through Him who build the church.

When I have love for someone, I have predetermined that I am going to stand with them, regardless of what they are going through.

2005-08-25T20:40:00.000+08:00

It's slowly revealing.

Today, school was very much pleasant because it was a F&N day! It was really a marathon; the usual six periods, an addition of 2 periods permission given by Chenchen and a solid 4 hours right after school! Though blew up my top once today, all in all, it was quite stressed free. Edited my work and have them all printed out. This time round I don't feel so much of a fulfilment but relieved and thankful; I started my work quite late and they were all below my expectations, but God has pulled me through and strengthened me and Miss Lim has been helping me and guiding me to her best of ability. Words definitely fail me this time of expressing my thanksgiving to both, and I'm totally blessed. (: Also, rough calculation was done for me and I am predicted to get a B3, provided that I study really really hard for the theory part. But anyway, I will!!! Really don't wish to do badly for my prelims. :D But again, I hope to get an A2! It's a goal both Fel and me want to work towards. Extra effort! :D

I grasped the spirit and intention to what What Mrs Tan shared to us today. Really thank God for a Godly principal like her. She's my role model!!! XD And I totally agree with what the consortium have demanded from us this time round; I have never totally agree with what they have for us because I felt that they never understood us. Gonna re-planned again; for both them and for myself by this coming Monday.

Boy am I so hyped up for the upcoming preliminary examinations! I have finally caught a glimsp of the rainbow. XD

Bytheway, I'm broke. So I don't mind people treating me on this Saturday night. HAHA. But first, please place your booking via online or straight to the phone! HAHAHA.

2005-08-24T17:40:00.000+08:00

Good girl! :D

Feelings are so superficial; they either brings one to cloud nine or one to the bottom of the pit. I must learn to have a better control of my emotions; how should I magnefest them out in speeches and in actions. :D

Currently re-reading The Three Battlegrounds, and I gained much more insights than the first time. Today's Chapel hour also reminded me of how dangerous gossiping can be. It's the biggest struggles we all have, and I am nowhere near the step of not commenting others when I'm not involved or even if I'm involved. Sigh. I must learn this and to speak with love when I'm correcting. (:

Sigh, more creative vibes must flow out from within. I feel quite _____(fill it in yourself, cos I don't know how to describe it too.) knowing that there was a repeated gift given. Perhaps I feel that my place was shaken, but I suppressed it I guess. Anyway, I can't possibly own everyone I want right? (: Knowing that they once crossed my life, and have a place in my life is enough I guess. ...no longer will I show my sadness, I'll hide them and keep silent about. But smile and love will still be there.*

Oral's finally over, and I feel so relieved. (: Tonight should be the last few nights of rushing for Coursework A, and tomorrow will be a day that is solely dedicated to F&N! Haha. I pray that tomorrow will go well because there'll be SIX periods of F&N and another FOUR hours of staying back after school. Everybody say WOW! Haha.

Oh yes, I bumped into Mrs Prasad today! My Primary School's Tennis teacher in-charged. During that very short exchanged we had, I feel confidence injecting into me, and I actually skipped my way home. :D Silly, I know. Preliminary's coming up, next Friday, and I'm gonna work hard for it!!! :D

2005-08-23T19:52:00.000+08:00

When the days seems blue.

All in all, today in school is a bad day. A real bad day.

Happiness is such short-lived.

Mr Superhero, save me!

2005-08-22T18:56:00.000+08:00

If my hands can ever touch.

On certain morning's assembly, my eyes will be directed to the piece of sky up there, which always appears to be beautiful. This morning's sky seems fake, yet it is nice. They were all detached and it is just like those kind of drawing I use to do back in my primary school days - using cotton wools to form the clouds. I stare hard enough to question myself what it is beyond that clear blue sky that seems like an ending, yet not at times, and how does it feel like to be able to sit on those fluffy clouds, if ever I am given a chance to do so. Sigh, why wasn't my camera with me to box them up? ):

For this evening's sky, it seems purple grey, which is likely to rain? Right now, I have the urge to rush up to the roof and stand high enough to try reaching for those skies. Oh yes, this reminded me of the balloon Shuping and me saw last Saturday being released to the sky. I want to fly high!

I just saw my naughty white cat entering the house of the Black's one and ate her food! Haha. Cats.

After so long of a month, I finally stepped on the ground of Bishan today with Felicia. :D Walked around and again I see so many pretty clothes and things that I would very much want to own. ): I feel so relaxed being with this friend of mine as we walked along the shops; having her to share to me what's going on in her life, and me, just listening and enjoying. It has been quite sometime I stroll.

Lately, school has been enjoyable - we have all picked up and are going on strong in the preparation of our O levels. (:

After an eleven years of education, I hope to let myself rest during the few months before I enter into another chapter of my life, which I will be spending in tertiary education. So most likely, after my examination, I should not be finding jobs but to attend some computer courses and to catch French class with Lengy! :D I have many books I would want to read; many places I would want to visit; many friends to catch up with; dishes I would want to learn and I want to have more breakthroughs in my life, entering into another level; discovering His glorious plans for me.

Ah, my eyes are getting blury recently. I guess I'm tired, but I must go on strong in this battle. :D

2005-08-21T23:54:00.000+08:00

My refuge.

I absolute love the time I spend up there before I turn in to sleep, it gives me a personal time with my Lord; to rant about the happenings in my life and to lift up my prayers to Him with words that I have penned down. Now, I no longer cry over people and get so emotional as how I used to be; I cry for times that I did not mange to talk to my Saviour, my Friend.

This night, I prayed for someone who is close to me to be strong; may you allow Him to carry you through what you're experiencing now. (:

2005-08-21T01:15:00.000+08:00

And i breathe in Your breath of life

that feels my heart.

"...and I stand here before You

in wide open wonder

amazed at the glory of You

the power of heaven

revealing Your purpose in me

as i'm reaching for You."

I remember this song were often sang when I was a new believer, and today, I have the opportunity to sing it again. :D Such old song reminds me of how faithful God has been in my life; how He have brough me through all the struggles I have struggled, how strong He kept me when things seem uncertain and how He have answered every prayer I have made in His own timing.

And Lord, I am inept of expressing this friendship I share with Shuping. Though we have an age gap of three years, we cliqued well and I am blessed by her life tremendously. Sometimes when I look back, it cannot be others but You being the Center of this friendship we have both started out. Ah God, You know my feelings well. :D

everyone may fall and walk away from You, but never will I.

2005-08-20T10:37:00.000+08:00

Can't stop playing.

I'm beginning to feel that my family are doing lives together, and this is something that made me smiled just now. :D Yesterday I watched The Maid with my Dad, and we've already made another agreement of watching another local film in September. What's more? My family will be having dinner at Swensens' next Sunday! This thought thrills me very much, because I love being with my family.

This morning, I woke up fretting over how behind I am to the revision schedule I have planned last Monday. I re-planned and I'm determined to accomplish the daily revision I have to do before I turn in to sleep. The reality of O levels smacking my face in 72days have sank into me, and I know that on my human part, I have to fulfil the hundred percent hardwork, and leave the rest to God. Only He can do Miracles. (:

Then, I remembered sharing to Brother that three months back, my lunch time hang out place was J8, but now, I hardly goes out. I return home straight after school everyday, except for music practice that is on alternate Fridays.

Another discovery I made was I am quite a wild girl! At the age of 8, I started taking bus to nearby bank and deposit money; 9, traveling to nearby shopping centre; 10, walking along the paths at Orchard Road and 15, returning home at the latest time of 1am! Haha. Indeed, my parents have given me so much freedom that if ever they take back, I'll be at a lost. Therefore, I thank God for my parents who trusts me so much. :D

While I was showering just now, Huixin crossed my mind. I was reminded of her plans after she gets her O level certificate, and I nearly teared when she shared to me two days back. Yes girl, I will cry over for you if you ever to walk away from me. There's this funny chemistry between us that I know not how to describe, but I know I treasure her a lot. (:

2005-08-19T15:34:00.000+08:00

Escapist.

I must stop being an escapist of school and group studies!!! >.<

Come on Jia! It's just another 73days and you'll be free from school!

Guilt is in me now, and I don't feel good about it.

2005-08-18T20:34:00.000+08:00

Miss Happy Girl 2005.

I believe this period of time is the most happiest time I can ever have since the start of the year. I have not felt so happy and so less angered than now. I believe God has replaced my sorrows with Joy, and my sadness with Happiness. Lord, I am so so thankful. :D

Today, during two periods of Mother Tongue, I felt like the most blessed and happy girl in the entire universe. I found myself grinning like a little girl seeing her Daddy bringing home a new set of Barbie Doll house! After so long a time, Pinky sat beside me today! :D And I gladly shared my Jean with him, with songs that he wants to listen! Silently we are doing works of our own, but his presence just comforts me. He, to me, is like a long lost friend and someone I wouldn't forget for life. (:

Adding on to a wider grin is Cheow, for standing there just seeing me doing my Math! Though felt pressurized a little, I felt the feeling of a lost friend returning home. Yes, we've both distant quite a bit. This two, together with Clarence and Marc are the few guy friends I treasure. (:

Coursework have taken its toll on me; I have been faithfully spending sufficient time to edit my work, or rather, they are to make up the loss I have been losing ever since I got the task. /= Oh yes, I think I really want to be a Food and Nutrition teacher! I think it is fun and enjoyable? Haha. :D

There are so many more things that have contributed to me being happy, and I cannot help but to bring my knees down to thank Him for giving me such good life. :D Yes Genia, I am a silly girl, and I want to be forever.*

2005-08-16T20:22:00.000+08:00

Embracing the world

with a whole new persepective.

Today, over the recess table, I shared to Lengy and Reina about my Dad's respond to my O level Mother Tongue's result. So Reina made this comment of me being a little Daddy's girl, and I laughed. This trigger my mind a little further - I am actually a little girl to many people isn't it? As old as I may be; as serious as I may appear to be; there's still this little girl in me, and I'm glad. Again, I am brought to giving thanks to the people around me who loves me unconditionally, looking out to meet my needs, faithful in praying for me, and picking me up when days are blue. Ah, I feel silly now as I remember for all the times I have said that no one stops by to look into me.

Recently, thoughts like can I withdraw myself from O level now? ran through my mind. No, it did not come out in the form of stress, but there's a little part in me that wants to lead a different kind of life. I don't want to lead a life where everyone is doing the same thing, I want something different. Yet, I know I can't. There are limitations I am tied down with, and many responsibilites I am shouldering on. Funny thoughts keep me pondering always, but today, I know that I am in the safe in a crazy world. Haha, perhaps that's a fantasy I can enjoy when I'm sleeping. :D

God has been very faithful in my life. Remember I once said that no more sad entries from me?God has made Jia into a very happy, blessed, jovial and thankful girl. Today, when I returned to classroom from staffroom, Huixin said that I am always happy, which have made me even happier. I have stepped out of the dark times and I am enjoying Eternity on Earth now! :D

2005-08-15T14:21:00.000+08:00

Let go of the steering wheel;

let Him do the driving.

I absolute dislike crossroads; I hate it when I do not know where I want to be, or what I want to be. Though I have goals and wantings, I seriously doubt if those are what I want to see myself achiving or landing up at. I would much things to be planned out, and I just follow.

Reaching this point, I have been thrown with questions of what I want to be, which place do I want to be, and where do I see myself landing up in. Subconsciously I will find myself questioning these questions and I very much hope to see a blueprint of my life. But I was thinking, so what if I know what will be happening in my life? Will I follow in full obedience or will I start complaining? With this, I thank God for granting me certainty through my leaders. (:

Anyway, I have set my mind of following what God has in stored for me. I want to avoid the slightest chance of walking a path that is chosen out of my own desire, and not accomplishing what He wants me to do.

But again, I guess crossroads means of another level of growth in the areas of Trust, Faith and Reliance on God. :D

2005-08-14T11:26:00.000+08:00

Revelation.

A personal revelation I received yesterday while doing duty:

worship is like a plane taking off,

it should be started off by our desires

then God will take the lead -

bringing us into His Courts,

to another level.

I realized that sometimes we tend to create our own atmosphere during Praise and Worship, which result in us being miss focused at times. Perhaps this is why sometimes we feel that today's worship is not ministering or we felt nothing. All Praise and Worship are good; the only concern is our heart condition.

2005-08-12T15:56:00.000+08:00

You give me Hope;

You give me Certainty.

Yipee hooray! I got back my O level Mother Tongue result today! It's a B4! Though it wasn't an A, which I have hoped for, but I'm very thankful to Him who blessed. (: Totally. Many heard my result and made the comment of me being happy, and I politely told them I'm very thankful. Yes, my eyes speaks of thankfulness today. He brought me back to the moment I received my N level result.

While I'm blessed, I saw those hearts that were disappointed and were heartbroken. In all honesty, I did not know how to console, except to place my hand over their shoulders and to provide tissue. I very much wanted to remind them about the saying don't cry over the spilled milk but I reckon it doesn't help much does it? (:

I pray for you who have B4 to get over the disappointment,

I pray for you who have C6 to seek strength,

I pray for you who have C6 to keep focus on other subjects,

I pray for you who have D7 to stop masking yourself with a smile when you are not at the least, happy at all and lastly,

for myself to let this be a motivation to do well for both my preliminary and O levels examination. (:

Also, I thank::

God for calming my nerves and giving me what I deserve,

Pherd for giving me little "jia you" here and there, which spurred me on,

Ping for encouraging me always,

Shufen for all the prayers and encouragements,

Brother for hoping in me and encouraging me,

Neos for always hurring me to study, and

Puay for the sms on that examination day itself, and

Jon for constant encouragement.

2005-08-11T18:38:00.000+08:00

My choice.

I love stories, especially life stories. They awaken my quieten heart and puts my brain to think, and I totally enjoy time spent just listening to real life stories. I like my friends running to me, just to share their ups and downs; moments they are happy and have flew to cloud nine, and things they cried over about. I like to listen to the mistakes they once commit, and the struggles they are struggling now. This makes me enjoy being with people. (:

Like today, I heard of the story Miss Tan shared, and I feel her in me. Many a times I held back this cliche sentence I understand, I really do because I've yet to feel their trust for me, and sometimes I really do doubt that sentence when told to me. Unless I see it through the eyes of the one who said.

Someone used to complain to me about her day at work, but not anymore.

Random calls by my sillylovemate I used to receive, and I'm still waiting.

Frequent chat with Reindeer of how and what she feels, we no longer do.

...and the list goes on.

Have things changed? Have you and I changed? Is trust diminshing? Or are we all just too busy?

To all you who are reading this:

If ever you feel no one's there for you, think of me; my time is at your disposal, and I'm always ready to receive your rants - both good and bad. Remember, I love you. (:

2005-08-10T19:08:00.000+08:00

Days well spent.

On 8th August...

Where's Charlene? /=

Us outside Suntec Macs!

Absolute Beauty.

Catching firework have become a yearly gathering for this group of us. Mr Lional Paul have became more lame than the last time I saw him, and Jonathan have became more commentative! >.<

On 9th August...

I haven't been playing this game for eons, and I played it again with my Sister and Brother in-law again that day! We screamed, laughed and cursed during the game. Haha.

Caught this firework at Yishun.

Doesn't it look like bamboo?

On 10th August...

Re-structured NEB!

The warriors that are gonna hold each other through the next three months! XD

Cheers to studies!
Hahaha.

Nothing beats spending your holidays with your families. :D

2005-08-10T10:54:00.000+08:00

Stepping out to a new zone.

I was on the phone with Debbie yesterday when I made the same confession again - the new structure is confusing and in a way, I'm quite fearful of it. But in the midst of feeling fearful, I heard Him; He told me to lead with His Strength, His Love, and His Authority. I'm about to lead a group with people that comes from many differences.

I believe it is a time of a greater growth for me in Him, a greater chance of relying on Him and not myself, and a greater growth of loving people unconditionally even though we may not be of the same style of whatsoever. As fearful as I may be, I'm excited about it too. With this new structure, I'm entrusted with more responsibilites. My initial thinking of leading a graduating CG was easy, until did I deepen my thought and know there is more to it. Yes, first CG later! XD

God, You got to lead me on in this, I can't do it unless Your Hands are upon it. :D

2005-08-09T18:32:00.000+08:00

For good or bad.

Words are both good and bad, depending on how one uses it. It either encourage or discourage; pick one's spirit up or bring one's spirit down; it either heal or hurt, and much more. I think I said something that just disturbed a friendship. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother to talk and share. >.<

2005-08-08T19:08:00.000+08:00

Typicality.

Why are the happenings in drama serials so typical? Having a guy whom you squibble over almost everytime you see him to apply lotion on your wounded arm will make you fall in love? How ambiguous can it be. >.<

Celebrated National Day in school today. Miss Tan was in a good mood hence, no scolding by her. Hehe. However, today's celebration was so so normal!!!! ): Considering that this is the last year. /= But we had the honour of having Mrs Elizabeth Choy to join us in the celebration. :D She's 96 this year!!! I want to live to a good old age of 100! It'll be so so cool.

Slept in this afternoon, and it made me feel as if I slept an entire week. Yes, I am very much deprived from sleep. >.<

Tomorrow's a family day, and Wednesday having CG and cheong-ing for project.

Till then, I'll first be enjoying myself later at Esplande with Celine, Sinhui, Min Hui, Jon and Lional - to catch firework!!! XD

2005-08-07T10:54:00.000+08:00

I will; I should; I ought.

Just let me say how much I love You

Let me speak of Your mercy and grace

Just let me live in a shadow of Your beauty

Let me see You face to face

And the earth will shake as Your Word goes forth

And the heavens will tremble and fall

But let me say how much I love You

Oh my Savior, my Lord and Friend

Just let me hear Your finest whispers

As You gently call my name

And let me see Your power and Your glory

Let me feel Your spirit's flame

Let me find You in the desert

Till this sand is holy ground

And I am found completely surrendered

To You my Lord and Friend

So let me say how much I love You

With all my heart I long for You

For I am caught in this passion of knowing

This endless love I've found in You

And the depth of grace, the forgiveness found

To be called a child of God

Just makes me say how much I love You

Oh my Savior, my Lord and Friend

Just makes me say how much I love You

Oh my Savior, my Lord and Friend

I pretty enjoyed myself at Sakae yesterday, simply eating my hearts out after a tiring week. Just yesterday morning, I realized how many times the word "stress" was mentioned on my lips. It has become a word we use it so frequent that we have lost the value of it totally. My definition of stress is having to stay up late to complete my project so as to get A1, to put myself, my mind to work after school ended at 8pm, to deal with the depression I have aftering taking school examinations because my results were often nowhere near my other friends, and to silently cry in F&N class when I have totally forgotten my theory. ...why do I say this? /=

Perhaps sometimes I've allowed things to pour in so much that I am buried at the bottom of the pit, never allowing myself to leap out of the well to see the surrounding. Sometimes I just want to have that simple child-like faith and entrust everything I have to my Lord, but I just chose to take things by myself. ):

On my way yesterday, I made a decision of doing well in my studies. Now that I'm put to take charge of the graduating group, I myself, need to be an example. (: Three months of sacrifices are worthwhile; it does not only reflect at my results, but it's a pruning time for characters as well. I want; I will; I should; I ought to do well. Sometimes it just takes that short moment of conviction to sink in, and to allow its momentum to take me flight. Afterall, God will see me through.

I had my longest and heartiest talk with Brother yesterday, and I cannot express how much I love and care for this Brother I've found in Him. He told me something that left me felt very loved, and blessed. In conversations with him, I am often brought to another way of perceiving things and to discover how much God loves me through His people. I've so much to share, but I know not where and how to start. I just know that I'm very very blessed. :D

2005-08-05T19:41:00.000+08:00

Happy tummy;

happy moment.

Appetizer::
Shrimp Cocktail.

Main Course::
Fettucine Deluxe!

Dessert::
After 8.

Drink::
Moon River.

Above are the dishes for this year's practical examination. The names are rather normal, but I'm happy with the turn out of the dishes. Owe Genia a big favor, because the appetizer was done with the help of her's! :D Praise God that the turn out of the jelly wasn't as hard as it is. (;

I pretty much enjoyed yesterday's practical; the cooking, the laying out of the dishes and the photo-taking. Though all this lasted all the way until 8pm, there are all memorable. By the time we clear out from the kitchen, the passage down to lobby was already dark. We talked; we laughed; we screamed, and I remembered that this is the last year we'll be enjoying that moment. Yes, sigh... nostalgia feeling sank into me when I was on my way home. Bahhs.

This reminded me that I actually do love my friends, though there are times I feel negative about it, each and everyone of them do matters to me! :D I believe it is all the friction that have bonded us even closer. Three months going to past very soon, and all are not meeting up as frequent as now. So yes, I'm going to stop missing school!!! Hold me accountable, all you reading my blog! XD

2005-08-03T23:45:00.000+08:00

The entry to the kitchen.

Recent Wednesday nights have become a night where the 10 of us rushes out the assignments we need to hand up on Thursday, which is an entry pass to the kitchen. Yes, tomorrow is OUR practical examination. And I was panicking over my labels and stuffs, of 'cos, with the help of my Daddy! :D

Haha, and I'm pretty delighted to know that Clarence is picking up his basic manners. I'm hoping that it would not fade off after Coursework end. If you get what I mean. (; And the look-alike's character has changed tremendously over the past few months. Happy for the both of them. XD

The clock strikes 12 now, and I've yet to complete my entry pass!!! -pulls hair- /= Oh no!!! My room's in a mess now too!!! Hahahahahahahaha. Back to work now! :D

2005-08-03T17:34:00.000+08:00

Raise me up the way You want it to be.

Enough of sad entries from me. I have decided to put a stop to those negative point of views that rose out from me and to start embracing the world in a total different measure! :D

Indeed, life is too short for me to dwell in there and to cry about it. I have moved on from the nights I cry for certain people, or situation. I have moved on from being jealous and treated differently in a particular situation. I have moved on from my past emotions, and to where I am. At times when I look back, I can't help but to feel silly, but I must definitely thank my Saviour for putting me through such situations to mould me, and to raise me up a girl He wants me to be.

Seventeen years old; an age that my spiritual eyes much more, an age my maturity escalated to another level. I believe that though this road may be tough; the surrounding, the world, and the universe is created beautifully by His Hands. There are much more treasures and beautiful things I have yet to discover and to see.

Now, I thank God for blessing me with a pair of eyes to see, a pair of ears to hear, a mouth to share, to inspire, and to pick people up, and of all, a heart that is able to love my family, my friends, my sisters and brothers, and my cats! :D

Let me be the little superhero girl from now onwards, Lord.

2005-08-02T20:14:00.000+08:00

Throws confetti around for now.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! This night, I've been throwing confetti around because common test is over! XD

But Charlene Ng just have to sadden me with the fact that she's going overseas this Sunday! Which means she can't join us for Monday's event - watching fireworks at Esplanade! )x So now hoping that the rest will want to give Wild Wild Wet a visit, since it's having a 30% discount for the entire month! XD I wanna let loose myself for once!

Some more reasons that make me throw confetti is that Genia's helping us to get the ingrdients for this Thursday's practical examination, which I won't have to starve myself so much this month, Ping gotten herself a job, and I'm able to have a good rest tonight!!! XD

Yes, tomorrow's a day to be devoted to my dear boyfriend - Coursework A! HAHA. Who are yourrrrrrrrrrrrr thinking? XD I'm looking forward to this Friday's celebration for my dear Cheow, Sat's re-treat from examination with Brother, Ron, Shuf, Ping and Val, Sunday's outing with (hehehehe), and next week!!!!!!!!

2005-08-01T21:47:00.000+08:00

Confused, disturbed, lost.

In a twinkle of an eye, common tests is coming to an end. Something I don't know if I should rejoice or........never mind. And I'm not very hopeful about the results except my Humanities. Sigh, this is bothering me yet I just can't settle down my heart to fully place my concentration there. ):

And the thought of being a jail bird for studies really make my next three months seem so dull. The means of staying back in school every single day to the extend of 6.30pm, the deal of between the school and us of not missing school and the many confusing and doubting thoughts that evokes my mind here and then. I guess it is in times like this I have to heed what Miss Tan said:: What I cannot control, I don't think. But this is an extreme difficult task for me isn't it? ):

With this, I'll treasure all my Saturdays more and more and with each time of rest I can get when I'm sick. But no, I won't burn myself out.

2005-07-31T10:58:00.000+08:00

Everytime in its time.

I woke up feeling very refreshed today! :D In fact I was smiling! Teeheehee.

The factors to today's smile::

-Yesterday's meeting with Gideon followed by shepherding with gracecheongwynnnie (LOL!).

-Felt enlightened after talking to Royston yesterday.

-My Dad bought me new speakers for Jean*.

-Visiting Ikea in the evening!

-lalalalala- I'm in such a good mood today that if you provoke me a hundred times, I will still smile at you widely! Like this... XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD (Okay, my jaws are dropping. HEHE.)

2005-07-28T20:03:00.000+08:00

So much more inside.

Sometimes my mind grow so weary about the things I perceive. So much that I become uncertain. And sometimes it got so deep that I become very doubtful and distrustful. Hoping to clarify my confusing questions soon. ...at the time where my heart and mind will be ready to receive.*

Disturbing, disturbing, disturbing.

2005-07-27T19:39:00.000+08:00

Catching breath;

to survive.

I just ate a bar of white chocolate today. >.<

Of late, I have noticed that I grew rather hot tempered and have became impatience. This is bad, really bad. And I got irritated and pissed off by myself because of my change of attitude and character. It's not that I did not notice my changes, but I have allowed it to take over me than to slow down, correct them, and pace on in this race.

Something of what Genia said today evoked a reflection in me. I shouldn't be so selfish as of wanting my work to be attended to the first or the fastest whenever I hand up, or want it to be corrected as soon as possible just because I want to rush my work. Other's have their work to be corrected too, and they have their lifestyle to pursue too. Sigh.

Even though I had took notice of myself, I don't know if it was out of stress. I just know that I have been very tied down with work and work and work, test and test and test, and perhaps, self-add on stress to those subjects I have not been doing well, and excelling in.

Sigh, sometimes I wonder if people do understand me. And in times that I have uttered the wrong words, will they still take it to heart. ): Yes, now I dislike missing school unless I'm really down with sickness. But I believe in the eyes of my classmates, they treat it as another day I deliberately missed it. You know what? I no longer care. The love between us are just one-sided. (: Perhaps these are things I no longer want to care because I have no more strength.

Yes, I dislike tears too.

2005-07-26T21:32:00.000+08:00

Casting the eyes of others away;

living by my own core values.

I hate rejecting people. I really do. But if for one day I reject of helping you, but with a given reason, please be rational to think about it. Don't start straying away from me or casting eyes on me. It's not fair. (:

2005-07-25T20:37:00.000+08:00

Dinner on Jia tonight.

Fettuccine Boscaiola.

Champagne Strawberries.

Above are my main dish and my dessert - I am cooking them for this year's practical examination, which is on this Thursday! /= My dessert turn out was a horrendous one because I did not add enough of Champagne and my Fettuccine is not tender enough. So many improvement have to be made, but so little time and money to perfect it out. Sigh! ):

Anyway, I enjoy cooking but dislike washing up. So for now, I thank God for my Daddy who does all the washings at home! :D How am I gonna survive like that? How to be a good wife next time?! -shakes head- Oh yes, God, I need a rich husband! :D Why? 'Cos just today, I spent around 30bucks on my ingredients!!!!!!!!!! Haha, but of course, I bought a few extra items not needed. Hehe. Jia's getting cranky...

SIGH! I keep sneezing, sneezing and sneezing. So irritated by the nose, which eventually makes my eyes difficult to open. ): Guess I'm falling sick soon, BAHHS!!!

2005-07-25T01:25:00.000+08:00

For all You've done.

Just a little while longer I wanna pray

Can't get You off my mind so I came to say

Thank You Lord just for loving me

Many times as I do forget

Every need that You have met Oh thank You Lord,

I know You're showing me

You are there when I am down and out You're holding me,

Your love is so amazing

Oh it changed me

Here I am with all I am

Raise my hands to worship You

I wanna say thank you, oh thank you

For everything, for who You are

You cover me, You touch my heart I wanna say thank You

I could have died in my sin but You saved me

Didn't have any hope at all You gave me peace divine, strength to carry on

I should have been the one to pay

But instead You took my place amazing Grace, it's more than just a

Even though I don't deserve Your love for me

You look beyond my fault and You showed mercy

I wanna say thank you for the sun

I wanna say thank you for the rain

Everything You do is beautiful I'm so grateful for Your love

2005-07-24T00:52:00.000+08:00

A step nearer to bid farewell.

...at the end of the day, it is not the perspective of our love that holds us. It is the Love of His that holds us in life, and by His side.

2005-07-20T22:11:00.000+08:00

The angst teenager!

Today, 20th July 2005, as I go through my PMS and the emotions that are stirring within me, I have things I want to rant it out, if not they will all come out in forms of insult and in harsh tone ONE DAY.

Jia is on the road of attaining the feeling of numbness when she is casted with cold shoulders she gets out of nowhere, whispers that form where her presence are, and being casted with attitudes and stares of she know not WHY. As much as she felt being taken granted for and taken advantaged of at times, she chose not to let the anger in her boil, taking control of her mind.

And it's true about what I'd mentioned above. They are all true feelings of what she felt today. ):

Sometimes I wonder; why do I go the extra mile of getting things for people - even having to sacrifice my own time so that they will have. Why do I avail my time for people when I could actually return home early to sleep. Why do I have to be that peacemaker between two. And the many whys just keep flooding me, at this moment. The greatest why of the whys is - why do I, at the end of it, have to put up with every anger and dissatisfaction when I actually did more than I should? In times like this, the sole fact I hold onto is ...because Jia, you love them... simply from the heart. And you care not of the return, but the happiness they'll get. I've got my life to enjoy, I've got a temper to flare, and I've got my freewill from the One that died for me back then. But why am I still hanging around? Perhaps your skin grew thicker as the years past...

Sigh, sigh. People, remember that Jia is a human still; a Jia who has not lost it's entire sensitivity in the heart, a Jia that needs attention, a Jia that still seeks for care and concern, and of all, a Jia that wants to be loved.

...and today, she thought: "maybe all the smiles and laughters were a facade of a lone ranger. or maybe, a silent lover to many.

God says to Love; Pherd asked of me to hang on; Sheeps lives make me want to stay strong; People whom I want to love and care drew me back from snapping; Brother's simple "bless the people" reminded me of Christlikeness; Jia's minute motivation that pulls her back from falling...

>.<

never underestimate the angst in a PMS girl...

2005-07-20T04:54:00.000+08:00

Not more than this.

It can never be more than O level that got me to wake up at an ungodly hour of 3am(!!!) to do my work! Pffff. Oh wells, it feels good to know that I am still able to survive with a mere 4hrs of sleep and to work again isn't it? Hehe. I ain't making sense. Oh whatever~! What can you expect from a seventeen years old girl at THIS KIND OF HOUR? :D

And yes, I'm gonna work hard for next week's common test! The chapters are really little and I should be able to score IF I study. It's all in the mind isn't it? :D Bytheway, another recommendation of music here:: Corrinne May and X-Japan! (No, not by anyone's influence.)

-ywans-

2005-07-19T21:50:00.000+08:00

Just a little while longer

I wanna pray.

Lord,

Here I am with all I have

Raise my hands to worship You

I wanna say thank you, oh thank you

For everything, for who You are

You cover me, You touch my heart

I wanna say thank you

I pray, with all my heart, that with every ounce of strength that is in me comes from You. Only Your strength will never finish, only Your strength will I not be tired but have Joy. I want to cry to You this night because God, sometimes running in this Race make me tired. Everyone asks me to hang on, and yes Lord, I want to hang on.. to You, alone. And to hang on tightly to You, never letting You go because You are my source of Strength and Refuge. Also, help me to deal with the daily routines I do with a fresh mind, to deal with the daily emotional with Your Love, and to keep my mental state sound. It's so easy to let go, but this time, Lord, by Your Grace, and by Faith, Jia will emerge out as a warrior of Your's, a child You will be proud to have. :D Let Your will be done in me, and not mine.

Amen.

2005-07-18T21:55:00.000+08:00

Blessed.

Blessed to be their shepherd. :D

Sweet isn't it? xD

Lord,

This night, there's a list of thanksgiving I want to give You. So hear me out!

Thank You for bringing me back to Your Love,

Thank You for blessing me with this shepherd of mine that loves me and stands by me whenever I needed,

Thank You for giving me sheeps to love,

Thank You for the lives of Shuping, Veronica, Puay Lin, Val, and Xiuhui's that I may share mine with them, and to learn from them,

Thank You for the lives of Royston and Shufen that helped me grow along the way in my ministry,

Thank You for Brother and good friend whom I may be there to love them with a pure motive,

Thank You for Genia's love for me that I may love others,
Thank You for giving me a family, both physical and spiritual,

Thank You for knowing siMpsOnx,

Thank You for all those lives I know; that I may be there for them,

and of all,

again I thank You for creating me to be a blessing.

Lord, I am still regretting over the phone call I did not pick up a few weeks back at 2+am, not being there to listen. But Lord, I know You're the God of everyone, and everything. And I know that You'll bring my good friend through everything. (:

2005-07-17T22:23:00.000+08:00

A tiring week! ):

Though I've been awake the entire day, my eyes can hardly open! >.<

I had a tiring week, and works are pilling up like crazy... Sigh.

And my friend, Sneezee, just visited me again. So here I am, typing my entry away with a nose that keeps ah-choo-inggg! BAHHS. This make my eyes even harder to open!

Days of school will never be relaxing, and it shall never be anyway because O level is near. I just need a break off, really. If not I can sense that my biggest friend, Sick, will makes it's way into me. BAHHS.

Off shall I go, to sleep! Oh yes, please keep me in prayer that I won't be down with serious sickness!

*It is always nice to have Butterfly around. (:

2005-07-17T11:03:00.000+08:00

A thank You note.

God,

I am so thankful to You for creating me to be a girl, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a confider, a sheep, a shepherd, a soundman, and of all, a blessing.

I enjoy being a girl because I can very much relate to the same gender of their ups and downs. Providing a listening ear for them to share and to rant, giving a shoulder for them to cry on and assuring them that they're not alone with my presence.

I enjoy being a daughter because I have You, my Father in Heaven, always looking out to my needs, guiding me by the green pasture and to pick me up when I stumbled and have fallen. When it comes to You, a mixture of feeling just stir in me simply because I do not know where to start to share and I definitely do not know how to express them out in words. But God, You know, they're all remembered. And when it comes to my earthly Father, I feel a security. He is the hero I know ever since I was born. He loves me and provides me with the best of his ability, guiding me along this road of life I am journeying on and loving me even at times I am nortorious. All this also keeps me standing in awe of You, Dad.

I enjoy being a sister, may it be of the same blood or in Christ. Thank You for creating me to be a blessing to the younger ones whom I can pick up and impart, to share of my past struggles that will serve as an advice to them and the wanting in me to protect them from any hurts and harm.

I enjoy being a friend, a confider, a sheep and a shepherd because I feel privilege to listen to the lives of theirs; to have the honour to enter their lives. Lord, thank You for creating my heart to be big - that I may contain them in me and to love them though sometimes it got difficult. I'm thankful that I may be a healer to their broken hearts, broken souls and to pull them back when they're at their edge of giving up on any areas in them. But Lord, though sometimes I have people who comes up to me telling me that I love my sheep a lot, I do not think the same. In fact, I feel that my love for them isn't enough, same for my shepherd.

I enjoy being a soundman because I remember what Royston once told me - the best thing is when you worked so hard, at least we know it's not like cca, but we rest assured many lives have been touched through our ministry. This is what keeps me going when I'm in down times in my ministry, when I feel stagnant. It's how amazing I have come so far in this ministry.

And Lord, I'm so thankful that I love people differently. There's this kind of silent love in me that wants to protect people I know, may it be subtlely or blatantly. I do what I think I deem is right, what I deem will make the person feel loved and what I deem will pick the person up. Comments about me of liking Clarence, I no longer care. Because I know what my feelings are - to care for him as a friend, and not an admirer. There are just different things in each and every of the people around me I look out for. Because I know that as I pour out my love for them, You will infuse more into me.

As the journey gets tougher and more tiring, Lord I pray, that the Love You have infused in me never to die down but to be overflowing, because all I need in life is Your unfailing Love.

2005-07-14T23:53:00.000+08:00

Pouts.

Because Genia praised Jia for doing her practicall well today.

Because seeing Bella and Crystal sowing on their contacts.

Jia can sleep with a smile...

and wake up with one too. :D

2005-07-13T22:39:00.000+08:00

Lost love is still love -

it just comes in a different form.

I remember feeling stress and experiencing physical tiredness yesterday night. Those feelings have caused me to sink into slight despair in the things I'm doing now, and wanted very much to let go and just focus on one thing - studies.

However, God has been faithful in my life - even in times that I want to give up. I admit that I have been feeling lousy towards the area of my pastoral ministry, of how little growth there is in quantity. So I cried out and ask, and He blessed my CG to have four people turning up for tomorrow's lunch! :D This calls for a time to rejoice and to pray even harder! XD I'm very excited for the date tomorrow because my girls will be the ones that is meeting them! Haha.

Also, I'm very thankful to God for always helping me to remember how much He has blessed me. For this entire week, He placed something or someone for me to look forward to! Yes, today's one was having dinner with Brother! :D We had a simple dinner at KFC and I am blessed to be able to hear his thoughts and the way he perceives things. (: Oh yes, we were highly amused by Alvin! Hahaha.

Oh yea~!! I'll be trying out to edit the soundtracks~!! Hahaha. Shall try them out tomorrow night! :D Okay, I better turn in soon before I start being grumpy tomorrow! And yes, this night my heart is constantly churning with joy! XD

2005-07-13T00:15:00.000+08:00

With every breath.

Days in school have become so unpredictable. But I've learnt to take things easily and to learn casting away situations that will pull me down. My laughters no longer are of entertainment; they are a manefestation of joy in me. And my ear is forever ready to hear the stories of those who turns to me. (:

I had my session of catching up with Reina this morning during Mother Tongue period, which was shortly joined by Clarence, Cheow and Marc. It's fun to sit around a circle and just laugh over things that we experience or any impromptu things they come up with. And during F&N practical, I had my time of listening to the sharing of Huixin. Of how she feel towards things, which I can very much relate to. Almost everytime, I feel privilege to share her thoughts because she is someone who is rather private too. There are some things that we alike each other. We've both reach the point of ignoring the comments people have, especially when they do not know how we feel. It's such a chore to us to explain, to clear misunderstandings. We rather live with it. This is not a sign of arrogance, but it's just that... it's tiring when we engage ourselves in the process of clarification. (: But at the same time, I told her that everyone that crosses the lives of ours has got it's purpose - something we can learn from each individual. May it you see it now, later, or never. Because everything and everyone happens for a purpose.

This night, I feel so tired yet the warrior in me is still fighting strongly. I feel so blessed to know that God is seeing me through my tiredness and that people are praying for me fervently. Cheow asked me today why do I always pray in my blog, and I returned with a smile. (: Simply because prayer helps me in lifting my unspoken thoughts and feelings to the God I know, and being assured that He understands each and every part of me. And I am reminded that I do not simply relying in prayer, but in the God I pray to. Sometimes it just slipped off the minds of ours, isn't it?

Oh yes, let me be prideful for once! Haha. I did well for today's trial practical! :D We all did cupcakes and mine turned out to be nice! -claps claps- I'm hoping for the same thing to happen on Thursday! XD Bytheway, I remember telling Huixin that I hope my future husband will WASH dishes next time after I make a mess in the kitchen. Teeheehee. XD

2005-07-11T21:47:00.000+08:00

Life in a film strip;

where every moments are captured.

It is almost a miracle for myself to know that I have been attending school every single day for the last two weeks! Adding on to it was my attendance for today's Mathematics group study! -pats myself on the shoulder- XD And this further reminds me of how faithful God has been in my life - with every prayer I whisper(in this case, I pen them down), He never fails to have them fulfilled at His own timing. And with every pact I make with Him, He never fails to help me fulfil them, making them coming to pass not by my might nor strength, but simply His! :D He keeps me in awe always...

As for now, I'm walking out the road of approval from people around me. I'm tired of this kind of life - having to read the expression of each and every and to put up with any kinds of look I am casted with or attitudes I am given when I've no idea of what wrong did I do. It is not as if I do not have anything to flare up about, but I chose to exercise love, which makes me shallow whatever emotions that could have left me choked up inside. I will not, with any attempt, to live with it. I want to live a life that is happy and a life that pleases Him. (: But as what I've assured Reindeer; everyone whom I have in my heart still holds that little space, never shaken, and I am always ready to be there to listen, to provide advices and to lend a shoulder to cry on. I will continue to render help to those who ask and need. This is a commitment I have to you. (:

Random; I enjoy reading a blog that speaks so frankly of her struggles and her reliability on God. :D Oh yes, I have just made Brother sin because he is proud of my attendance, which has already led him to be arrogant, then jealousy. Hahaha. It's time to study!!!! -dance around- XD

2005-07-10T18:53:00.000+08:00

The road of restoration;

new layer of trust and unconditional love being built.

From Puay, to God for me.

jiayi, that she'll grow into a woman of God, a mighty warrior of yours that isn't deterred by anything, and even if she is, will come back to the fight with the armour of God.

Lord, won't You just hold me tight and make me certain?

I've so much, so much to say. But they are in their messy form that doesn't come out fluently. Sigh. And I'm afraid to show my love, because I'm afraid of receiving the kind of hurt that leaves me jaded, again.

2005-07-10T01:15:00.000+08:00

Lives were built around a table;

coffee, laughters and sharing.

TCC is my favourite hang out place I guess. And I want to do this more with my close ones_{(this include butterfly)}.

TCC-ed today! Laughed; joked; shared; felt; gained insights; enjoyed; sad; dreadful.

2005-07-09T10:32:00.000+08:00

Silent love need not be known
because the heart that feels, tells.

(deleted the previous entry)

I think I charged myself with at least ten hours of sleep? This sounds a lot but it doesn't seems a lot to me because I'm still tired! >.< but I woke up with a pretty triple eyelid! XD

This week have been a tiring week, and it will be the same for next week. ): But God'll sustain me through! :D Time table for next week(this is only school's one)::

Monday:: Coursework B Trial Practical.

Tuesday:: English Oral(Preliminary).

Wednesday:: O Level Mother Tongue Oral!

Thursday:: Coursework A trial practical and Coursework B actual pratical.

Friday:: O Level Mother Tongue Listening Examination!

Now, where do I fix my Caregroup? ):

Yesterday I had a very nice chat with Felicia after F&N class. We went to Junction8 to walk around and eat XXL Chicken. And because I have started to grown tired of Junction8's shops, I decided to walk inside Fair Price! :D So we were showing each other what were the kinds of food we ate when we were young, what are our favourite food and what we shared about our past experience. It is how funny to know the fact that we never can get along well. And we believe this friendship is rooted in God. :D Hooboy, and we actually spent half an hour sitting inside the station because we just have that much to share! (x I'm beginning to treasure the privilege of having my fellow Sisters in-Christ to be in the same class.

*Words in bold are things I did at least three times in this week!

Finally the day I long for has arrived! TCC-ing with Kor, Ping and Shuf tonight! xD camera charge! Hahaha.

2005-07-07T08:33:00.000+08:00

Woman of God.

Wahhhhhhhh. Just came in from this morning's sudden spot check that is truly, solely meant for girls. My blouse is never checked, I wonder why. Haha. But anyway, the entire school got a dressing down from Mrs Tan. Hooboy, she's really angry! And I must say she's really a woman of God, knowing her identity well in Him and being bold in things that she does. A woman who is greatly annointed with wisdom. ...I'm not afraid of complains and I can live with misunderstanding. Because I know there are a few out there who understands, and that is enough. I totally agree with what she says because in this world that we're living in now, we possess a post-modernist mindset that makes everything seems permissible yet not beneficial. 1 Corinthians 10:23 speaks.

Oh, and she just reminded me about Love. An essence I'll have to live up with and do for all the days of my life. And I'm very glad that my mood today is good, guess I'm picking up. :D

Lord, help me to let smile carry everything over. May it be anything. That anger will never be found in me anymore.

2005-07-06T19:52:00.000+08:00

A lover since young.

All my seventeen years of life, I have been a lover.

I remember having a best friend who lives next my door my house when I was schooling in Kindergarten. The memories were so vague; I could hardly remember doing anything special with her besides a photo we took together in our uniform. But I remember us being sad when she moved house, and it was then we lost contact. Thinking back now, I wonder how has she look like and what is she doing now.

Year 1996 I met Charlene, and a friendship just sparkled off like this - pure and simple. Time after school were spent either in school library finding our favourite author's collections or at my house where we play all the way till evening. Visiting her house thrills me muchly because I could hardly travel out without my parents since I was pretty young. And then came along Celine and Sinhui whom I met and bonded closer through all the badminton trainings we attend weekly. Though there were times we were jealous and got angry with each other, parting never cross the minds of ours. This is something that have always keep me in awe of in this friendship we share. Now that we've all turned seventeen, we not only matured individually, but have also enter into a higher level in our friendship. Regardless of the amount of time we spend, the words we say, the calls and messages we sent and the number of times we may meet up, it is not that significant anymore. Because we all have hold each other in the deepest core of our heart.

I have always perceive High School to just be a stop-over for me. That in a twinkle of an eye I'll reconcile my freedom with the rest. But I was proved wrong. I found new friends whom I can learn from and befriend with. Lisin; someone I don't contact much yet she is special in my heart. Kai Hui and Wee Leng; the two dearies that I'll not forget after I graduate because we went through 5 years of ups and downs, and have seen how each other grew and mature. And last year, I met someone whom I could pour my heart out to as and when I need. The source of my smile, strength and motivation to attend school and to excel. Along this road, I have learnt to love and care for people I never thought I will. Those that I hang out now every recess, they are all given a space in this heart of mine; for me to love and care.

But I was never taught of how to deal with friends that stray from me, or perhaps, me leaving them.

For people I've let into this heart of mine, I hold them dearly and have loved them with every ounce I could have. And when they have slowly stray away from me, all I hold are but memories. A kind of pain and hurt wells up within me. It is then I feel helpless and selfish to free up any space in me for others to come in. I abhor dealing with those places once taken but not now. I feel as if my feelings were being toyed with and trust being abused. Sometimes, I just wonder if this was a test for me, for us, that I should have just persevered on and press on. But oh, everything's too late now I guess. Perhaps I should just leave things as it is. Eventually, if he/she has treasure me enough, he/she will show me through actions.

God, won't You come, and fill the spaces I have with Your Love, making me whole again. I want to love all over again.

Lost in the jungle.

2005-07-05T23:46:00.000+08:00

Creating a total worship experience.

I should stop being so impulsive and being easily angered! (: I better learn to have self-control and to have the Fruit of the Spirit living in me before God comes to me in hard ways, so as I'll learn my lesson. Galatians 5:22-23. And if you read on, it talks about living by the Spirit and keeping in step with the Spirit. Yes God, I want to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and enter into a higher level!

Had sound re-treat today! xD First time having a combined one with the rest of the congregations. Through this re-treat I got to know more other people who serves together with me in this ministry and to recognize the hardwork of those who works behind the scene. The bonding session was pretty hilarious! Caleb was talkative, Clarence being the silent pillar to the group through the game and Steven being the spontaneous one. :D

Had our mini Best of the Best, and I won it. Not so much about the price but a fast recalling of how far I have come in this ministry I am placed in. This two years wasn't easy, but because of His Grace, I was about to pull through. (: Now with this little gift, I am even more motivated in serving Him; regardless of where. And I am pretty lifted up in spirit through this re-treat, ever since the overwhelming hurt hit me so hard on Sunday. So, Jia's moving on.................. But that does not mean I've forsaken any love I had once poured out. It's still there; silent but constantly pouring. (:

As for now, I really need sleep. Tomorrow's a pretty long day for me especially if I want to stay up late to complete my Decision Making for F&N and prepare for my Planning for Thursday's Planning Session. Pretty fretting though. =/ But I know my God will bring me through, calming my nerves! :D

2005-07-04T10:55:00.000+08:00

On the list.

Yea~!! New layout done up with the help of Puay! xD

A day off for me never seem like one when I know I've a lot of things on hand to be completed. Let's see...

+ planning my study timetable.

+ preparing CG.

+ F&N; decision making + research.

+ ironing of clothes.

+ a pile of Math homework waiting for me... ):

What can I look forward to? Let's see...

+ collecting contacts! :D

+ tcc-ing with kor this Sat(hopefully).

+ tomorrow's re-treat!

+ dinner with ron on Wednesday! XD

2005-07-03T21:10:00.000+08:00

There's a danger in loving somebody too much.

I don't wanna lose you,

I don't wanna use you

just to have sombody by my side

And I don't wanna hate you

and I don't wanna take you

But I don't wanna be the one to cry

and I don't really matter to anyone, anymore

But like a fool I keep losing my place

And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much

And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust

There's a reason why people don't stay where they are

Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you

I don't wanna blame you

Baby you don't have to take the fall

Yes I may have hurt you

But I did not desert you

Maybe I just want to have it all

It makes a sound like thunder

It makes me feel like rain

And like a fool who will never see the truth

I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much

And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust

There's a reason why people don't stay where they are

Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home

when it's late at night and you're all alone

Are there things that you wanted to say

Do you feel me beside you in your bed

there beside you where I used to lay

And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much

And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch

There's a reason why people don't stay who they are

Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

It is true when someone says nothing's forever. You may be alive and kicking this minute, but dead the next. You may be enjoying your life with your close ones today, but shut them out your life the next. You may feel floating on cloud nine now, but feel worst than anything else the next. And why am I saying all this? Because this is life...

I have friends whom I hold near to my heart and have stayed. Even the one I ignored in one part of my life has come back and we've entered into a higher level in friendship. Just as I'm here typing away, I am about to block my heart from Butterfly; to fly away and never to return.

I've reached this point that I need to come clean with my feelings that I am hurt and jealous, definitely feeling pain in my heart. I have cried over the nicks you displayed, over the history logs in my computer, cards and conversations and your actions. Now, they are not as significant as it is. Because actions speaks louder than words. Words like "when u were down....i was there.......when any of u seek me....i'll be there................*hugs", "of cos gal....i know u well.....", "and i know my dear. but there's reasons......to protect others", "yes, but utimately u r in my heart. special." and "no gal, i love u for who u r, not how u treat me.................." are as empty as the air around me.

In your down times did I not protect? Did I not help clarify matters for all the rumours? And did I not trust? What have I done or said that I deserve to ever feel so betrayed when the three of you got so close that have hurt me, making me so uncertain. Sigh, perhaps your dark times has over and you have long forgotten the bad times I stood by.

As much as I would want to chose trusting in you, I have a limitation to it too. Their seekings, the joy they have brought to you and the amount of time you guys spent together, I feel jealous. It eats me up inside, to be exact. I believe I asked before, but you said you were busy, I accepted. But what make me more jealous and lost(I guess) was when you actually initiated the outing at times. Yes, this explain how come you felt I have things kept inside but never tell you. Now you know. I learnt about the Friday phone conversations you'll share with the one that look upon you as an elder Sister. And I remembered 30th April; the choice you'd made, the pictures you'd taken.

And stop denying that we have not drifted apart. From the day you all got close, our time spent was little, you start to know nothing about me and your love for me has definitely decrease, even before you realize. When all I see daily was them finding you, giving you joy while I hurt you, I've decided to back out this love. It is difficult to handle. The hurts and pains were overwhelming. Because I have to constantly tell myself you love me, right up till this day that I hold this fact in mind. If I continue to comfort myself with that, I would be living in a state of denial. I remember you coming into the lab and sat beside me after I confessed to you I felt jealous. But It was all for pretense, just to make me feel good isn't it? Right after, you returned back to your comfort zone.

I'm not an idiot that only hold facts in my brain. I see actions too. But your words did not match your actions. You said you love me, but your actions did not show. I gave chance but nothing was done. I think I have shed enough tears through the times I tried pulling myself strong. I want to cut off this friendship we share. May it be you want or don't want. I am tired of constantly fighting emtionally and mentally.

At the age of 17, you have left me jaded. My heart was literally shattered into pieces that cannot be mended anymore. And you have lost me because of yourself. You chose another path.

Above, is the life of this 17 years old girl who is left totally tormented by someone she have loved with all her heart.

2005-07-03T01:47:00.000+08:00

From another perspective.

I tore the cards,

I blocked the memories,

I lost the string that connects both hearts.

So what if they were out and I wasn't.

So what if long hours were spent over the phone.

So what if they seek more than I do.

So what if they provide much more happiness than me.

So what if my actions of love ain't as evident as before.

So what if I have had nights I cry myself to sleep because too much of missing.

So what if, so what if.

I still treasure this friendship. (May I or may I not show it)

2005-07-01T16:16:00.000+08:00

The negative life when all seems bad.

First week of school is over; good and bad I guess. At least my days are much more well spent than days at home. :D I had my share of laughing and enjoying the accompany of my friends. And I had my slight tears session with Elaine today. Oh yes, she understands and is a good listener. She's one I feel safe to leave my thoughts with too. (:

Conclusion for what I have learnt in the first week of school::

Life is so overbearing at times;

When it is good, it last long enough to fly you to cloud nine,

and make you take everything for granted.

But when it is bad, the world starts to collapse, as I would see it

and it eats in the heart of mine; the pains and bitter.

Then, I slowly walk away from the hearts of those I am disappointed in,

or have hurt me; may it be ever so blatant or so subtle.

But wait,

there is one I could not love anymore because of my uncertainty in her heart.

Life is so sad at times;

I have a friend who gets scolded almost everyday;

no freedom given and no hope was hoped.

I have friends that keeps comments about me to themselves

and treats me differently, judging me in ways of theirs.

When it is confessed to me, I think there's a kind of hurt in me,

but I still love them all the same

because they are those I hold in heart and for eternity.

I have a friend whom I no longer talk and share as much as before;

I feel jealous towards certain facts I found out, or was told,

I feel far from the heart of her's(or perhaps self-doubt has caused my heart to)

I don't see the radiant smile we used to exchange everytime we meet;

I keep my life away because the string that used to connect our hearts have deminished.

One day, I'll do my crying in the rain.

ATTACK OF THE PUAY!

2005-06-30T21:52:00.000+08:00

*cue evil laughter. :D

JIAJIA!
GLOMP GLOMP GLOMP GLOMP GLOMP.
*WAFFY-NESS IS IN THE AIR!

EVERYONE SAY WITH ME!
WAFFY!
EVERYONE REPEAT AFTER ME!
JIAJIA!
HAS BEEN
GLOMPED
BY PUAYYYYYY!

end. :)

2005-06-30T20:33:00.000+08:00

A subtle movement.

I'm very thankful to God for my closest three buddies who have stood by me all this years while I grow up in my secondary life. Though we don't meet up as often, not talking as often, we did not let situations and circumstances did not break us apart.

Now that I may looked as if I have friends all around me, smiling almost everyday and not being left alone, it ain't exactly a happiness I would say. Especially when days seems blue and when things seems grey. You never know what comments were being circulated or what judgements were being passed.

For those I have love with all my heart, I look out to their needs subtlely. But there are just times that I want to back out because...loving is difficult, if you get what I mean. Therefore, I have chose to hide in the midst of the crowd to look at you and protect you rather than standing out, waving my hands. It is the heart that speaks the truth, I guess.

If I say that I love you and treasure you, I do not just speak in that moment of impulsiveness. I speak with a mind that is clear and a heart that is ready to carry your burdens and to stand by your side through everything that you will go through. Regardless of time and place.

And I've fully grasp the definition of - if you gossip someone, may it be subtlely or blatantly, you will have your day of being gossiped too - yes, I will hold this in my heart forever.

So why am I saying all this? Because, as what my nick would say: so what if friendships were built? it is the trust and the unconditional love that holds it firmly. This is a revelation I got from today; the surrounding and the people.

2005-06-30T10:23:00.000+08:00

Muhahahaha.

Muhahahahahahahahaha.

I just saw my F&N workplan for the next one month because Coursework B is coming in this afternoon and I have like lots more improvement to do for my Coursework A. And Coursework B is to be done outside school timetable, which most of my Friday afternoons will be spent in school. Oh yes, be sure to know that my dark rings will get darker, eye bags to be more obvious as I go through my next few weeks because night life starts NOW. Perhaps I should laugh more than ever; it might be a good way of bringing me through in the midst of tackling emotions, stablizing my mental and trying to build my physical welll.

Muhahahahahahahahaha.